Hard to swallow
THE other day reader Dan Harper met up with an old pal.
Dan had recently read a grizzly true story about a shipwrecked sailor who survived for nearly two months by consuming only turtles and bird blood.
Upon hearing this, Dan’s friend merely shrugged, then said: “Turtle and bird blood, eh? Are you sure that’s not one of Heinz 57 varieties?”
Party pooped
THE second nicest thing in the world is when friends come to visit.
The nicest thing in the world is when they eventually get the heck out of your house, and allow you to relax, put your feet up, and start gossiping about what a bunch of irritating numpties your friends are.
Unfortunately there are some visiting chums who linger, seemingly intent on never vacating the premises, much like Joe Biden barricading himself inside the Oval Office while Kamala Harris is gleefully chucking his suitcases on the White House lawn.
Reader Judith Moore tells us that she and her husband were visited by a couple who arrived for a dinner party at 8pm, and were still lurking at three in the morning.
The next day Judith informed her sister about the overlong, exhausting evening, and admitted: “It was so awkward! But we couldn’t figure out how to persuade them to leave without causing a scene.”
To which her sister replied: “Getting rid of people is easy. What do you think Yoko Ono albums are for?”
Snap, crackle, pop
MULLING over career choices, reader Bob Fulford points out: “You’d need a lot of self-control to work in a bubble-wrap factory.”
Bird-brained birdy
ENGLISH teacher Lisa Stevens once asked a first year class to complete an essay about an event in their lives that had proved educational.
One wise scholar started her written exercise with the sentence: “The biggest thing I have learned in life is that a pet parrot might look like he wants a chunk of your Toblerone but he’ll regret it afterwards. (And he’s got nobody to blame but himself.)’
Cold comfort
WE mentioned a giraffe in a Belfast zoo.
Reader Paul Lee is outraged that these African animals are taken from their home continent and dumped in the chilly climate of Northern Europe.
“Their poor necks must be freezing,” says Paul. “Somebody with a lot of time and wool on their hands should knit them some incredibly stretchy snoods.”
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Food for thought
FAILED keep-fit fanatic Bert Hogan admits: “What confuses me is how much ‘exercise' and 'extra fries' sound alike.”
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