Why there's no point negotiating with the binmen

As the waiter was placing the first course on the table, he smiled, said, “Bon appetit,” then shimmered off to serve his other customers.

Such courteous behaviour clearly impressed Phil’s date, who said: “Oooh… bon appetit! That must be a Chinese phrase meaning, ‘Enjoy your food’.”

Trash talk

MANY people in Scotland are feeling down in the dumps about the prospect of striking refuse collectors.

However, reader Robert Menzies doesn’t see the point in negotiating with council binmen over the pay increase they are demanding, and says: “Whatever extra money is put on the table will inevitably be treated as a rubbish offer.”

Belt up

WE’RE recalling the days when teachers were allowed to wallop naughty schoolchildren.

Actually, that’s not entirely accurate.

What we meant to say is that teachers were allowed to wallop naughty schoolchildren, and they got to wallop the well-behaved ones, too.

Mark Beaumont tells us that half a century ago there was a fiendish PE teacher at the long-gone Bishopbriggs High School, who would belt the slowest three in the class, after a lap of the playing fields.

This generous educator would also belt any youngster who appeared to be content to come fourth-last.

(Including our correspondent.)

“At least it's been good training for Parkrun,” says Mark.

Raging about ageing

GETTING older isn’t much fun, points out reader Drew Barnes (aged 56 and three quarters).

Says Drew: “You know you've reached middle-age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.”

Liz McGarry spotted this sign on Gabriola Island in British Columbia, which has to be the most wishy-washy warning, ever. (Though it probably frightens off committed coffee drinkers.) (Image: Contributed)

Animal antics

BELFAST Zoo is looking for a name for its new baby giraffe, notes reader David Donaldson, who adds: “The suggestions are highly unimaginative. What's wrong with the old cry of the tramcar clippie: ‘C'mon Giraffe!’”

Liquid laffs

THE Paris Olympics is almost upon us, though we’re not sure the swimming baths have been constructed in time for the competitors to enjoy a wee paddle.

So perhaps a watery alternative will have to be found, which inspires Jim Lindsay from Prestwick to say: “If you told me they would be swimming in a Parisian river, I'd say that's insane.”

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Foodie faux pas

AMATEUR chef Nicola Fisher is feeling a tad confused, and tells us:  “I carefully studied the instructions for the chicken goujons, which said ‘Turn halfway through cooking’. Now I'm facing away from the oven and can't tell if they're ready.”