Angst over Angles

THE Scottish nation has long harboured many hopes and ambitions.

We have prayed that porridge oats (with a wee splash of milk) would be accepted by gourmands as the most sophisticated haute cuisine.

And that Lulu would be embraced by blues aficionados as the finest chanteuse of all, raised above Bessie Smith, Aretha Franklin and, urm… Dannii  Minogue?

The most fervent desire of the citizens of Scotia has been that one day – one miraculous day! – our English neighbours would stop blethering on about 1966, and all that. 

It seems that we’re about to get our wish, because the boastful bunch from beyond Hadrian’s Wall could soon be replacing ’66 with ’24 as their only topic of conversation.

There is a distinct possibility that they are about to win their first major football tournament since Methuselah wore studded boots and shinpads.

Yeesh. What a revolting development.

We Scots will be forced to return to our factory settings, and have no hopes whatsoever.

Unless it’s the hope that the Diary will provide its lucky readers with a few classic yarns from our archives, which you’ll find below…

 

Tongs, ya sass

A CHAP was buying a yum-yum – a twisted piece of sugar covered pastry, if you must know – in Byres Road, and the young shop assistant was having difficulty with a pair of tongs in picking it up and depositing it inside a paper bag.

After at least six attempts to force it into the bag a wee woman in the queue shouted: “Just as well you’re no’ a midwife, hen.”

This startled the assistant so much she dropped the offending pasty to the floor, which prompted a further outburst of: “Aye, that’s right. Drop the poor wee thing oan its heid.”

 

Bigging it up

A VERY roundabout compliment was overheard in a Glasgow department store where an ample lady had just bought a suitably ample blouse.

While wrapping it up, the size-10 assistant gushed: “I love this blouse. I just wish I was fat enough to wear it.”

 

Boozy badinage

FOUR BBC female employees were sharing an end-of-the week bottle of chenin blanc in Glasgow’s West End when one of them announced to her colleagues: “I saw this magazine article which said that typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.

“What are they on about? That sounds like a perfect day to me.”

 

Split decision

A WOMAN from Newton Mearns went to her personal trainer at the local gym and asked: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

The instructor replied: “How flexible are you?”

So the eager learner told him: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

 

Bird-brained humour

DAFT gag time.

Two ducks are flying over the city of Belfast.

One says: “Quack! Quack!”

 The other says: “I’m going as quack as I can.”