Shell shock

THERE have been many titanic tussles in history.

Muhammad Ali versus George Foreman. Andy Murray versus Novak Djokovic.

Celtic and Rangers slugging it out in six-billion-and-thirteen Scottish Cup Finals (give or take a few thousand).

But the greatest battle of all?

It has to be this week’s Trump v. Biden debate, which was like the famous race between the Tortoise and the Hare. Only in this version it was the Tortoise and the Hair.

Joe Biden was an especially dozy old reptile, acting as though he’d recently munched an entire plate of juicy lettuce leaves, and now merely wanted to hibernate until America had sorted out all its problems.

The Hair, meanwhile - aka Donald Trump - was his usual honest and affable self, like a used car salesman attempting to offload a rusty fairground bumper-car by claiming it’s a Maserati.

Thankfully UK voters don’t have to choose between America’s version of Duff and Duffer.

Unfortunately we get the equally pitiful Sunak and Starmer. At least our pair don’t seem to be auditioning for a Stannah Stairlift commercial Western politics truly is at a worrying juncture. The best way to take your mind off things is to enjoy some classic Diary tales from our archives, like those below.

(The only other option is to borrow Sleepy Joe’s outer shell, and get hibernating…)

Worker or shirker?

A TALE of the Glasgow shipyards.

A Diary reader used to be a shop steward and was sent for by the manager, along with one of the caulker burners.

When the two men entered the office, the manager had numerous papers on his desk, and said: “Danny, that’s your timekeeping record for the last two years. In that time you’ve only worked one Monday. How do you explain that?”

“I must have been skint that Monday,” said Danny.

Child’s play

A TEENAGE girl told the Diary that she was babysitting and overheard the two wee yins she was looking after whispering in the bedroom.

The older girl was winding up her sister by saying: “But what if she’s wearing a mask, and she really is the devil babysitting us?”

Mum’s the word

MANY mothers will identify with the thoughts of Scots singer Eddi Reader, who once commented: “Big day today… youngest leaving Scotland just like I did in 1979. Family coming up to mop me up. Mom coming to say, ‘See!’”

Clock that

A MOTHERWELL reader noticed that the little boy next door had been given a watch for his birthday, which he was proudly wearing.

So our reader asked him: “What’s the time?”

The young chap glanced at his watch, then replied: “It’s right now.”

(He wasn’t wrong.)

Musical moaning

AN angry reader once told the Diary: “I hate when I'm singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong.”