Not my bag

SPRING has arrived. (Sort of.) And reader Joe Knox’s thoughts inevitably turn to renewal… and home décor.

“Off I went to a DIY store and found exactly what I wanted in paint,” he tells us. 

Joe was standing at the checkout, happily grasping his tin of paint, when a helpful member of staff inquired if he wanted it in a bag.

“No thanks,” said Joe. “I’d rather keep it in the tin.”

 

Rules of attraction

WE’RE celebrating romance in a Scottish setting.

Back in the days when reader Jim Scott was serving his apprenticeship, an exchange student from Germany arrived.

Jim and his pals took him out one Saturday night, and the Teutonic fellow said: “What do I say to girls when I’m dancing with them?”

The Scottish chaps advised him to compliment them on their dress or perfume.

Later that evening the German was tripping the light fantastic with a girl Jim happened to know, and she burst out laughing in the middle of the dance.

Afterwards, Jim asked why.

“He told me I was stinking beautiful,” said the girl.  

 

Batty situation

COMIC book fan John Chambers admits to being a tad mystified regarding the adventures of his favourite superhero.

“Considering Gotham City’s population,” muses John, “it’s odd that we never see the Batmobile stuck in traffic.”

 

Pole position

GLASGOW International Comedy Festival is over, but the merry memories linger on.

Diary correspondent Deedee Cuddihy was particularly impressed by Scottish comedian Jay Lafferty, who was on compere duties one night, and informed the audience that her own show includes pole dancing.

She then explained that she considers herself "the Liz Truss of pole dancing."

Why?

"Pole dancing is totally about overestimating your ability to do something, but going ahead and doing it anyway."

 

Grief for Goggins

MUSING on the marvels of modern literature, Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie says: “I wonder if a new Postman Pat book will be released? "Mrs Goggins and the Horizon Accounting System" would  be a splendidly apt title…”

 

Time wasting

THINKING about the way people interpret clocks and watches, Gail Clark says: “When telling the time, why do people always refer to am and pm?”

Adds Gail: “Do we really need the ‘m’? Surely the ‘a’ and ‘p’ provide all the information we need.”

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Doors of perception

ANOTHER intriguing question on the nature of time, from Adam Baird.

“Exactly how long is one minute?” he asks, before answering: “I suppose it depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.”