Barking mad

YEARS ago reader Donald Grove frequented a seedy hostelry in Aberdeen that was the meeting point for a host of eccentric characters.

In one corner of the bar was a broken-down piano that nobody attempted to play, for it would have first meant brushing off 20 years' worth of dust and cobwebs.

One of Donald’s drinking buddies was a quirky old chap who often visited the boozer with his dog. After about seven pints he’d insist that the mutt was a trained musician and, if it was in the mood, could play almost any tune on the piano.

Donald grew tired of hearing this nonsense, and once said: “So can your dog play classical music?”

The old chap pondered the question for a while, then replied: “He’s much better wi’ show tunes than classical stuff. Y’see, his Bach is worse than his bite.”

 

Trouble with tentacles  

WE reported that adventurous Scottish scribe Jenny Colgan has nibbled on many exotic things, including live octopus.

(How did she know it was alive? Perhaps it yelped: “Ouch!”)

Culinary expert Peter Wright from West Kilbride gets in touch to explain: “It takes eight hours to cook octopus. It keeps turning the gas off.”

 

Patchy excuse

A TALE of family foibles.

Richard Grant tells us that his grandfather used to smoke 40 fags a day.

Richard would often warn him that it was a far from healthy habit, leading grandpa, who was a humorous fellow, to defend his actions with a most unusual explanation.

He would say: “I used to be addicted to nicotine patches, so to wean myself off them I took up smoking.”

 

Car-tastrophic results

OUR correspondents are a cunning bunch, and it’s impossible to pull the wool over their eyes.

Alec Brewer tells us: “A while ago my neighbour boasted that he could hypnotise anyone, so I challenged him to hypnotise me, and he failed.”

Adds our triumphant reader: “I love gloating about it every Sunday while I'm washing his car.”

 

Pray? No way!

A RELIGIOUS parable.

Reader Chris Robertson once attempted to get his son to attend church with him.

His son declined, saying: “I can’t stand the guy who takes the service. He’s awfy preachy.”

“If a preacher can’t be preachy, who can?” replied Chris.

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Frozen assets

ONE chilly January morning, earlier this week, reader June Roberts couldn’t find her ice scraper.

“So I used a store discount card that was in my pocket on the windshield,” she explains. “Managed to get about 15% off.”