Necking the booze
OUR readers will not yet have recovered from Monday’s fit of gluttony.
However, we have faith in their indomitable souls, and feel certain that they will still be able to bravely tackle a turkey sandwich (or two) today, followed by a jar of cranberry sauce as a chaser.
This week’s stomach aches will inevitably be replaced by next week’s headaches, the result of too much Hogmanay hooch-guzzling.
With such whisky-sodden revelries in mind, reader Jim Bruce gets in touch to ask an intriguing question: “How long would it take a giraffe to throw up?”
Western Scotland
THE other day reader David Donaldson was listening to BBC Radio 4 Extra, which was broadcasting a chat with the late entertainer Johnny Beattie.
He was reminiscing about his early career in the shipyards, where apparently there was one manager who was known as the Sheriff because he would come rushing in shouting: "What's the hold-up? What's the hold-up?"
The love seat
WHO says that romance is dead?
Reader Robert Gardner was strolling round Castle Semple Loch with his good lady, and they were discussing the fact that there seemed to be a lot more benches with the inscription plate: "In Memory of…", along with heartfelt details of the deceased.
Robert admits he made a “tactical error” by asking his wife if she preferred any particular design…
Milking the situation
FROM a local hospital, reader Lindsay Young gets in touch to report an overheard conversation between a nurse with a strong Glasgow accent and a patient whose accent hailed from somewhere else entirely, hence a certain amount of confusion.
The patient was asked what he’d like for breakfast.
“Could I have hot milk?” said he.
“Sorry,” said the nurse “we can’t do hot milk. Only cold milk.”
The patient (now a slightly impatient patient) responded: “No, it’s hot milk I need.”
The nurse hustled off to ask if this was allowed, and soon returned with the answer: “Sorry, only cold milk.”
The patient, now very exasperated indeed, repeated what he had been saying all along.
“No,” said he, “it’s OAT milk I need.”
Tinkle tunes
HAVING discovered that there’s a musical toilet mat with working keyboard, the Diary is now figuring out which compositions would be most appropriate to play on it.
Iain Macdonald from Oban suggests the theme from The Dam Busters.
Present imperfect
CUNNING reader Chris Robertson tells us he saved a fortune this year by giving his kids batteries for Christmas, along with a note that stated: "Toys Not Included"’
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