Wave theory

IT’S with a deep sense of betrayal that we learn that Diary stalwart David Donaldson has been unfaithfully perusing other reading material besides our own.

However, we’re slightly relieved upon discovering that the rival literature isn’t as eminent as ourselves, but merely some lightweight tittle-tattle rag called New Scientist.

The magazine contains the astonishing news that scientists in Italy have discovered that lentils may be communicating using quantum phenomena.

“Sounds incredible,” admits David, “until you remember that Quantum Theory is all about pulses and waves. And lentils are pulses, so they must be waving to each other. Simples.”

 

The hard facts

AS previously mentioned, author Deedee Cuddihy has a new book out, I Love Scones.

Deedee was delighted (or should that be Deedeelighted?) to give a talk about her latest magnum opus to a group of Glasgow scone lovers.

"I decided to make a batch of Irn-Bru scones for my audience,” she says. “Although the results were more stone-like than scone-like, I was told that they might come in handy if someone was stranded on a mountain for a few days with nothing else to eat."

 

Heeeere’s Johnny!

HAVING discovered that one of the Christmas presents available this year is a musical toilet mat with working keyboard, we’re wondering which tunes could be played on it.

Peter Wright from West Kilbride says: “After a vindaloo curry it would have to be the Johnny Cash hit Ring of Fire.”

 

Student knows best

TEACHING. It’s the job that keeps on giving. And when we say giving, we mostly mean migraines.

Debbie Meehan provides us with the following vignette, which proves that even pupils are aware of the challenges of the job.

“Miss,” inquired one inquisitive scholar, “were you good at maths at school?”

“Yes,” said Debbie.

“Did you get good grades in everything?”

“Pretty much, yes.”

“So you could have done almost any job, then?”

“I suppose so.”

“So why are you doing this one?”

For once, teacher was stumped for an answer.

 

Relaxing ruffians

VISITING the Merchant City, reader Paul Lewis spotted a bar named Ned Lounge.

Or so he thought.

Further scrutiny proved it was actually Med Lounge.

“Which is a pity,” says Paul, “because neds need a sophisticated place, just for themselves, where they can hang up their Burberry caps and relax with a wine glass filled with freshly chilled Buckfast.” 

 

Animal antics

THE truth, in black and white, from reader Andy Jones, who says: “Zebras have stripes so they aren’t spotted.”