Compounding the pain
THE punishments inflicted upon naughty children by exasperated parents have, by necessity, become more creative over the years, now that slippering and belting are no longer acceptable options.
Reader Harvey Smith was in Central Station, and he was very impressed by the mother he overheard threatening her grumpy and gurning daughter, who was about 10 years old.
In a most sinister fashion, mum hissed: “If you don’t stop that right now, I’ll start talking to you about how compound interest works.”
Avon calling
ONE of our correspondents recently revealed he has trouble taking the word "twelfth" seriously, as he can’t understand why it contains the letter f.
The Diary knows exactly who to blame… the English.
Or, to be more precise, one specific Englishman. The Bard of Avon.
Says reader Larry Travers: “I’m guessing the extraneous f originates with the play, Twelfth Night, because William Shakespeare was a notorious sloppy speller, who even struggled with his own name.
“The signature he used is spelled differently in various documents, and includes Willm Shakspere, Wm Shakspe and Wullie Shoogly-spear.”
Adds Larry: “Actually, I might have made that third one up.”
Tinkling tunes, continued
WE recently discovered that one of the Christmas presents available this year is a musical toilet mat, with a working keyboard.
Now we’re wondering which tunes could be played on it.
John Mulholland says that anybody suffering from constipation might be inclined to perform that stirring 1980s pop tune by Tears for Fears, where the chorus contains the words: “Shout, shout, let it all out...”
Mind-boggling bog
MORE toilet humour.
Maurice Alexander popped into the lavatory in Glasgow’s Princes Square.
One of the cubicles was out of use, so there was a sign which read: ‘Sorry for the inconvenience.’
“In other words,” says Maurice, “there was an inconvenience in the convenience. Surely they cancel each other out?”
Conservative crimbo
WE’RE wondering what kind of Christmas cards politicians will send their cronies this year.
Stevie Campbell from Hamilton says: “Any truth in the rumour that the Tory Party have produced a card with the following greeting… ‘Rwanda Clause is coming to town’”?
Truth be told
THE Diary is imagining how certain products would be promoted if marketing companies were a tad more honest and transparent with customers.
David Donaldson says: “KFC buckets would bear the explanatory note ‘Not fried in Kentucky’.”
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Crimbo carol crew
AMBITIOUS reader Jenny Barr says: “I’ve decided to form a choir this Christmas. So far It’s just Dean, Don, Mary, Lee and I.”
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