Funny money
IT was the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s Autumn Statement this week, which is when Jeremy Hunt says: “Hey, look, everyone - it’s Autumn!”
That’s why we keep him around, because he’s a man with all the crucial details that everyone else might have overlooked.
The Autumn Statement is also an opportunity to inform the nation how stinking rich we’ll be in the year ahead.
And it’s good news, because Jezza Hunt rummaged down the back of the sofa in his office, and found an old sock and a dusty florin from 1849, which we all get to share.
Okay, no one gets rich. Though there will definitely be plenty of stinking, courtesy of that ancient sock.
But don’t despair about the lack of dosh. At least Diary readers have a wealth of humour to enjoy, including the following classic tales from our archives…
Flat gone
AN internet web page was discussing the merits of famous Clydebank comedian Kevin Bridges, and someone from Glasgow added the surreal comment: “I missed my Christmas dinner because of Kevin Bridges. I was in O’Donnell’s on Christmas Eve and he asked me to watch his pint so he could go for a smoke. Three days I waited, and he never came back. It was flat by the time I drank it.”
Clean humour
MORE from the glittering world of entertainment. The late Scottish folk singer Danny Kyle once asked an audience to sing a very simple song with him. The only lyrics were: “Soap, soap, soap, soap…”
After the somewhat bemused audience finished singing, Danny announced: “Thank you for these few bars of soap.”
What a knit-wit
ONE of those notorious senior moments. A Diary reader bought a jumper, then discovered it was a complete misfit.
On taking it back he told the girl at the returns desk it was tight on the shoulders and back, although there seemed to be plenty of room at the front.
She replied: “That, sir, is because this is a lady’s jumper.”
Going for gold
A YOUNG Glasgow chap once boarded a tram shortly after it left Anniesland Cross.
“Do you realise that I had to run 100 yards to catch this tram, as it left early?” he declared.
“See the driver,” retorted the conductress. “He gies oot the prizes.”
Blue (blood) humour
GLASGOW’S Stand Comedy Club once hosted jokester John Scott, who was discussing the monarchy and said: “America’s head of state was raised by a mother on food stamps. Ours was raised by a mother on postage stamps.”
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Foreign affairs
“I’VE never been any good at geography,” a reader admitted to the Diary. “However, I can name one city in France… which is nice.”
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