Weedy chap required

HUBBIES can be most irritating and are often to be found slumpified on the sofa when they could be battling the weeds in the garden. Or they insist on yakking when all a gal wants is the strong, silent type.

Louise Baker is in possession of one such chit-chatty chap. Worse still, he lives under the spurious impression that he’s a witty fellow.

The other day Louise was rummaging through the kitchen cupboards and mumbled to herself: “This pan is done for. I’ll have to chuck it.”

Sitting at the kitchen table, hubby rustled his Herald newspaper dramatically and from behind the pages of that eminent literary marvel, he said: “Kaput, eh? Guess you could say it’s… panned in.”

Louise wasn’t amused by this interjection, and grumpily ordered hub out to the garden, where hopefully the weeds provided him with a more charitable audience.

Fiendish folk song

CURLY-HAIRED crooner Tom Jones has criticised Welsh rugby bosses for banning his jaunty, though exceedingly grizzly, song Delilah.

Reader Linda Morrison is curious to know what other songs will become verboten in the future. She suggests Bob Dylan’s folk classic Mr Tambourine Man.

“In the song,” points out Linda, “Bob says he’s going to come following the tambourine man. This is chillingly sinister. Why is Bob threatening to stalk a humble musician? And what does he intend to do when he catches up with him? The poor tambourine man will probably end up wishing he’d taken up the glockenspiel instead…”

Follow the leader

PERUSING the school report of his 10-year-old granddaughter Tilda, Bob Jamieson discovered that she exhibits “excellent problem-solving skills in group work, but can at times be hesitant to allow others to take the lead.”

A proud Bob says: “A future SNP leader in the making?”

Footy faux pas

A SPORTING question from Glenn Blackmore: “Is it sexist if I don’t hate the English women’s football team as much as I hate the men’s?”

The monster mash

THE simultaneous release of Barbie and Oppenheimer has led to the blockbusters being referred to by the composite title Barbenheimer. In similar fashion, the Diary is fusing together classic movies.

Dan Martin suggests … Children of a Lesser Godzilla.

Traveller’s tale

OVERHEARD in a Glasgow pub by Frank Norwood. A sailor, home on leave, mentioned visiting Ashdod in Israel.

His smirking pal asked: “Is that near Ken Dodd in Liverpool?”

Buckety badinage

“I OFTEN wonder what’s on a janitor’s bucket list,” says reader Mike Platt. “I’m guessing bleach, ammonia and Toilet Duck.”