Down in dumps

THE Boss is usually the name given to that irritating personage of seniority in the office who invariably has their feet up on the desk, or is busy taking credit for all the hard work you completed on Saturday and Sunday. (While the boss was on a weekend retreat in Ipanema, sunbathing, water-skiing and drinking hard liquor out of a coconut shell.)

The Boss is also the name of one of rock’s great troubadours, Bruce Springsteen, who performed in Scotland this week.

Which led to an illuminating conversation on social media between Bruce’s guitarist (and Sopranos actor) Stevie Van Zandt and a Scottish bloke.

The Scottish bloke revealed his mother, Liz, wasn’t in the best of moods after a bird relieved itself on her head. He hoped Bruce and the gang would cheer her up, as she was attending that night’s Glasgow gig.

To which Stevie replied: “You think she’s in a bad mood now? Wait until she finds out we’re playing Edinburgh!”

Pidgin English

MORE birdy badinage. Curious reader David Donaldson asks: “When Glaswegian pigeons get married, do they say ‘Aye, doo’?”

Big in politics

A BEASTLY tale. Caroline Haywood took her 13-year-old son to visit her elderly mother.

The loquacious youth eagerly told Gran about a science class in school, where he learned that prehistoric Britain was the home of monster-sized millipedes the size of motorcars.

Gran looked a tad confused, then said: “He’d have been an awful Prime Minister, though it isn’t very nice to call him a monster.”

After several minutes interrogation, it transpired that Gran hadn’t been listening with as much alertness as necessary – she assumed the topic under discussion was Ed Miliband.

The name game

WE’RE discussing workplace nicknames.

Mary Duncan from East Kilbride worked in a plant company where a young chap was awarded the majestic moniker "Supersonic" because of his oomph, eagerness and youthful dynamism.

No, sorry. That’s not quite right.

The loafing lad got the name because his sarcastic colleagues concluded he was neither super nor sonic.


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Wedding buffet

IT’S picnic weather, which possibly explains the Diary’s current obsession with culinary matters relating to a very specific cuisine.

Says Bill Thompson from Lenzie: “A honeymoon couple were shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals who held a party for the couple. The chief toasted the bride… then boiled the groom.”

Mind your language

AN important clarification from reader Rhona Coltrane, who says: “The phrases ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologise’ can be used interchangeably. Except at a funeral.”