As imagined by Brian Beacom
WELL, you would want to give Harold a slap, wouldn’t you?
I can well imagine why that filly who took his cherry in that muddy field behind the pub gave him a smack on the bum because, well, that’s what you do with a naughty boy, isn’t it?
But did I give him a ‘doing’ as you chaps say in Scotland?
Not a bit of it.
I may have grabbed him by the neck – but that was just to stop him speaking.
And isn’t what the world wants to do right now?
Yes, there was a time when we were both close. We’ve shared so much. The same mother. And father. Although Pa did like to joke that perhaps a DNA test may suggest differently.
And neither of us liked Camilla. But your readers will empathise on this one; who does like it when your dad goes off to a polo tournament and comes back with an aged blonde with bad teeth, who whiffs of Pimm’s and Silk Cut?
Now, Harold wishes to kick out against me because I happen to be the Chosen One. But that’s the system.
You don’t have a Chosen Two.
Only one brother, the future king, gets to go first on the new Grand Theft Auto, or gets the big bedroom in Balmoral.
Now, I can take the accusations of finger pointing – key royals do a lot of that – and we’re actually taught how to display anger in the direction of mortals, sorry subjects, as Pa demonstrated recently with his pen complaint.
But all this talk of my ‘alarming baldness.’
Why ‘alarming’?
I’ve been losing my hair since Tiggy ran the nit comb through it. Is it really alarming to him because he’s fast headed towards Dome City himself?
As you’ve discovered, the brightest thing about Harold is his hair.
He’s talking about the Taliban killing like he was playing Whac-A-Mole. And it’s the armed forces who are going spare. He seems to have gone through more drugs than Boots.
But, of course, now he’s talking about reconciliation. Wonder what he’s going to do next to achieve that?
Write of how I once dressed up for a fancy dress party as Diana Ross, or how Pa and Camilla, after a few Highgrove single malts, said they fancied a threesome with Jenny Bond. I'm joking of course.
So, you’re asking me ‘Will he be invited to the Coronation?’
Okay, here’s an exclusive: like Sir Keir I’m going to take back control.
You don’t think I’m going to have my thunder stolen by that pair, giving him the excuse to moan to the likes of you and say ‘Big Willy doesn’t love me. Boo hoo!’
Not a chance. Harold will get the offer. And then he will turn that down and explain his reasons in his next grubby memoir.
But at least I get to look magnanimous.
.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel