Mice are over-running yonder Hoose o’ Commons.
I speak not in metaphor. Rodents there have learned to avoid traps and have become immune to poison. The Palace of Westminster spent £65,000 in 2020-21 on unsuccessfully combating the problem. Mouse traps are £1 each. Were they putting the poison in caviare or what?
Prophet forecast
As youse ken, an asparamancer is a fortune teller who tosses asparagus aboot and interprets the results. Last year, one practitioner, Jemima Packington, predicted the Queen’s death. Uncanny! This year, she says, there’ll be a royal birth. Never! That said, Jemima did predict Boris becoming PM. “Everyone laughed their socks off,” she recalled. Fair point.
XR feel stuck
Extinction Rebellion activists are to stop gluing their heids to stuff, after admitting their campaign of disruption had changed “very little”, other than persuading decent ratepayers to say: “Shove yir climate.” XR will now focus on a mass demonstration. Waste of time – unless 100,000 people glue their heids to stuff (hope I’m not giving them ideas).
Robert McNeil: Was I just going through a phase when I bought a bit of the Moon?
The XXL factor
Police forces in England are ordering XXL-size uniforms, with trouser waistbands up to 56in, for their blobbies on the beat. Meanwhile, a woman’s jail has asked locals to donate XXL duds for its inmates. Never mind climate change. It can only be a matter of time before Britains sinks into the sea under the weight of its citizens.
ET sounds lost
Ufologists predict alien landings this year. The evidence? A recent spate of sightings over important Earth landmarks such as Big Ben, Stonehenge, the Eiffel Tower, Bonnybridge, and the Sapphire strip club in Las Vegas. Some of these venues suggest the aliens are clueless. Maybe they think our leader wears erotic lingerie. Mind you …
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