As imagined by Brian Beacom

HO ho ho! And all that. Yes, tonight I’m working harder than David Beckham’s PR team but I can spare you a moment because you’re just dying to know which presents I may be delivering to some of those whom you regularly trash – sorry feature.

And first up is Nicola.

Well, jingle bells or not, I shan’t be bringing her a present this Christmas at all because the Westminster government has already handed her one gift-wrapped – by challenging her Gender Recognition Act.

Honestly, I had a look at her wee face last night and it was beaming brighter than the Bethlehem star. And I swear I heard her softly sing; ‘Kemi’s roasting on an open flame, indy ref2’s on the go . . .’

And what of Michelle Mone? Well, of course with an extra £29m PPE cash in the bank (allegedly) she certainly doesn’t need much. But I couldn’t find my way down her chimney even if I wanted to. The Santanav can’t pick her up anywhere.

Cynical Mrs Claus says The Boobyqueen has mostly likely gone off grid, perhaps lurking on an oligarch’s superliner.

I said I wasn’t sure. But then Mrs C wondered out loud; ‘Do you have wellyboot rubber for brains, you fat, self-righteous old housebreaker?’

She does make me smile.

To be honest, all those who put letters up the lum won’t be happy this year.

I can’t really give Sir Keir a personality, or Rishi Sunak a social conscience. Suella asked for a list of addresses of illegal immigrants and a Rwandan phrasebook for each, but that’s not in the spirit of Christmas.

Harry and Meghan’s letter asked for more content to keep Netflix happy, but I’m thinking no, because the palace will never run out of unconscious bias.

Meghan’s p.s. also asked for Jeremy Clarkson’s balding head on a stick. I think she was joshing.

Prince Andrew asked for a job, so I had a word with B&Q but they told me they tend to employ nice people.

John Barrowman wants an audience for Christmas, but the Kilbarchan Village Hall secretary told me no thanks.

Bob Dylan asked for a Coronation Street box set – I’ll maybe give him some mood enhancers instead.

However, John Swinney has asked for Economics for Dummies, which he’ll be able to enjoy tomorrow morning with his Oor Wullie annual.

Mick Lynch wants to get back to the tools. Perhaps next Christmas. And Putin wants more cruise long range attack missiles. Instead, I’ll give him a copy of Congress’s $1.1bn approval certificate.

What? Now you’re thinking you don’t believe in Santa Claus after all, that I only manage the little things, when what we really need is hospital beds and ambulances and cheaper energy?

Come on, little boy. There’s a limit that a Coca-Cola creation can come up with.

And if you’re really good a signed photo of Lorraine Kelly may just appear in your stocking.