YOUR opening question is bit harsh I think; ‘How does it feel to be labelled a fanciful flibbertigibbet, an attention-seeking political desperate with as much hold on reality as Alice had on dropping down the rabbit hole?’

Yes, yes, I know that people are laughing. Only 44 days as PM and all that. But look. Only this morning I was told by a man outside Waterloo that in Numerology terms the number 44 stands for Efficiency and Business Sense. And ok, he was laughing hysterically and wasn’t wearing shoes or socks. But at least he sensed I was a woman who could deliver, at least another leadership crisis.

Yes, perhaps the Numerology expert’s thinking wasn’t shared by the City, the Bank of England, the IMF, the OBR, Rishi or most economic strategists around the world with half a brain. And had I not spooked the markets and tanked the pound, and caused the mortgage rates to take off like a Brock’s rocket, I might have made it past Halloween.

But look, I’m not going to apologise for having a belief system. I still believe that if you add to rich people’s ability to spend even more on Seychelles holidays and third homes in Cornwall, these people will prove to be loyal.

And let’s not forget, it’s these high earners who eat fine cheese, which we have to import, not people who live in Ferguslie Park who still get by on Kraft Cheese Slices.

Now, you may wonder about my mindset now that I’ve resigned. About me saying ‘I’m a fighter, not a quitter’ – and then quitting the following day? I didn’t quit so much as be quitted. I’ve always been about Growth, Growth, Growth. Sadly, the Party decided I was the Growth that needed to be removed.

But I’ve carried on smirking, which is what I do an awful lot, like Sid James on seeing Barbara Windsor wearing a lacy bra. Yet, that’s not a choice. It’s my default position when I can’t find a desk to hide under.

And remember this; I came into office at a time of great stress. The Crown has been under serious attack from the likes of Dame Judy, Ben Elton is back doing TV satire and we’ve had to cope with the news that Kit Kats recycle broken biscuits.

Yes, this is an ideal metaphor for the recent Cabinet. I won’t mention names or use the word Suella, but I will admit there are ministers who are a bit cracked and leave a dry taste in my mouth.

But as for my legacy? They may call me Lettuce for ever, but it’s a healthy green vegetable – and that’s not a bad comparison.

And yes, some say I have been a work experience experiment gone wrong. But I won’t be forgotten. That Aussie commentator who had no idea who I was when I turned up at the Queen’s funeral? Well, as sure as I’m now an authority on cheese imports he knows now.

As imagined by Brian Beacom