Age-old problem

GREAT novels are timeless, though, alas, not so the authors of such works, who have shelf lives like the rest of us mere mortals.

Case in point (or should that be bookcase in point?), Glasgow crime scribe Denise Mina reveals an elderly chap smiled and called her "young lady" the other day.

“Which I used to find patronising,” says Denise, “but now find incredibly sarcastic.”

Stamp of authority

CONSTITUTIONAL changes can be unnerving for the general public, notes a reader who was in the Sauchiehall Street Tesco at lunchtime hunting for a book of stamps.

The shop assistant explained apologetically that they didn’t have any, adding that she’d been told all the stamps had been taken away to be reprinted with the King’s head on them.

“I’m a bit gullible though,” she admitted, “so I’m not really sure if this is true.”

Seven (not) up

THE mighty Glasgow Rangers took on the similarly mighty Liverpool FC at Ibrox the other evening. At the end of 90 minutes one of the two teams was feeling a tad less mighty.

Knowing that players have a tendency to sob when criticised, we won’t say which team got trounced. Though here’s a clue. A certain group of chaps left the field of combat with red faces that clashed unfashionably with the blue tops they were wearing.

The Diary despairs when any of Scotland’s magnificent footy teams are humbled.

Though we admit feeling slightly better about a seven-goal drubbing. For on social media one optimistic fellow says: “Ach, not to worry, Rangers. When you think about it, you stopped 10 in a row.”

Pragmatic planet

PHILOSOPHICALLY-MINDED reader Hannah Connolly confuses us thoroughly by saying: “Imagine a world where there are no hypothetical scenarios.”

Paper procrastinator

THE teenage son of reader Margaret Walton joined a running club and Margaret watches him race most weekends.

She was recently standing next to another mother, who wasn’t impressed with her own son’s energy levels.

“Look at him,” she grumbled. “Slower than my last fella signing the divorce papers.”

Hot-stepping hosiery

WE recently mentioned the startling possibility that certain coats worn by men might have staircases secreted in the arms. (No fake news on this page, we’ll have you know.)

Intrigued by this revelation, Alasdair Sinclair says: “I'm rather sceptical about stairs in men's coats. But I've often seen ladders in women's stockings.”

Time out

“I WAS recently informed the clocks go back this month,” says reader Jenny Young. “Unfortunately I can’t remember where I got mine from.”

Read more from the Diary: Angela Lansbury, the singer and the puppet regime