Working from the pub is an idea whose time has come

Well, for those troubled by the stresses of home working, a new compromise has been found: WFP. Working from pub. Bars down south are offering ten-quid packages for wi-fi, a sandwich, unlimited tea and, best of all, heat.

It could work. Pubs have been dying for some time and, indeed, many are just glorified eateries now. This workspace idea with knobs on offers them another new role.

For in-pub workers, the temptation of drink might once have been a problem, but I don’t think people drink in pubs any more. In the past, stern, unfriendly Scottish barmen used to punch you in the face if you asked for a soft drink. Now, if you go in and ask for “A massive dram, please, barman”, it all goes quiet, and mothers hug their children close.

I spent a day doing my work – well, you know, this – in a city library recently, and found it a civilising experience. It stops you talking to yourself, cursing your computer loudly, farting at will, and waving your fist at God for hating you so much. Not sure working from home is good for you, if I’m honest.

Stained reputation

AN Aberdeen woman has made the news for discovering a laundry hack to get stains out of clothes.

In a TikTok presentation, Donna Simpson says milk gets rid of pen marks in just 10 seconds. However, it was something else she said that got my attention and had me nodding in recognition: “Yes I am a spiller, I splatter. If there is something near me or close to me that I can possibly get on my clothes, I will. It is my nature.”

Oh, madam! That’s me that is. And it drives me to despair. New shirt? Guaranteed to get a stain down the front just as I’m about to wear it for the first time. And don’t talk to me about my crotch.

You know how I believe the universe to be a malevolent place? Well, it’s exemplified by the stains on my crotch. Why does the Good Lord keep putting them there? For maximum embarrassment, of course. I’m talking about food rather than ink stains.

I know that, instead of eating while seated in my armchair watching telly, it might be better if I sat at the table. I could spill things on that rather on me.

But my dinner table is covered in books, papers, bits of wood and DIY stuff. I’d need to get a tradesman in to clear it. And it’s in a different room from my telly. I can’t imagine eating at home without the telly on. You run the risk of having to focus on the food which, with my cooking, can put you clean off your dinner.

In the last week, I’ve bought trousers and a fleece, and both were stained on the first day. It got so bad I felt like going the whole hog and moving to Staines, in Surrey, since I began to feel that stains were the defining characteristic of my life.

Indeed, you know I’ve been dithering about a tattoo for 20 years because, apart from Hibs (who I hate sometimes) and the guitar (at which I’m terrible), there have been no constants in my life: other than stains.

It’s an idea at that. I could get a big stain tattooed on my arm. But I’d probably end up getting a tattoo down the front of my shirt. Or, even worse, on my trouser crotch.

About louts

I REMAIN troubled about urban life. In last week’s explosive column, I commented on the number of ignoble citizens in unpleasant trousers: neds.

This week, I feel moved to clarify that not all the vicious, mean-looking louts I encountered on a recent big toon visit were neds, strictly defined. Often, they were older, in their thirties, and wearing "normal", that is to say slovenly, habiliments. It was the manner in which they carried themselves that advertised their unpleasantness.

I should also say that a chap with a baseball cap and tracksuit bottoms, whom I encountered on a flooded riverbank path, could not have been more helpful or pleasant.

Indeed, decent people abounded. In Markies, the whisky shop, the bank and Next, the assistants were gloriously lovely: “A fine selection of pies, sir”; “Looking to get blootered, sir?”; “Technically, you’re what we call bankrupt”; “These are for slimmer men, sir.”

Cities are becoming polarised between the decent and the unpleasant. The trick will be to stop the two constituencies encountering each other, and to encourage the latter to fight among themselves, perhaps in a public arena or Colosseum.

The fun of marine life

Jet packs news and, no, don’t get your hopes up of getting one, at least if you’re a civilian. As usual, the military get the best toys, and the Royal Navy is testing 85mph packs which will allow marines to swarm enemy ships, like something out of Flash Gordon. Almost worth signing up for the thrills.

Evil plan

Vegetables are horrible. Children in particular hate eating them, but sadistic adults keep trying to make them. Believing veg vital for their health and development, Loughborough Uni boffins have suggested grating carrot into the bairns’ porridge and smuggling other veg into breakfast omelettes and smoothies. Hey, boffin, leave those kids alone!

Currying disfavour

One in eight Britons, around nine million folk, have never had a curry. The figure has been described as “astonishing”. Geordies are least likely to have tried one. They walk about in T-shirts during winter but are scared of hot curry? Why don’t they try a mild one? Could spice up their lives.

Prison ferment

Getting off your face is a fundamental human right, and a drive as strong as sex or hunger. So, it’s unsurprising that prison inmates will try anything to get merry.

The latest wheeze, at HMP Rochester, Kent, saw lags purloining honey from a beekeeping course to brew into their own mead. Must have been some buzz.

Sarcasm ban

Chinese civil servants have been banned from being sarcastic and throwing documents at members of the public. The ruling Communist Party has decreed that, instead of being “crude, disrespectful and perfunctory”, officials must from now on be pleasant. Gotta admit there are some benefits to having a dictatorship.

Read more by Robert McNeil:

Neds under the bed: why we must confiscate their trousers

Westminster sketch: Poor Thatcher mini-me Liz, floundering in the deep end with shallow answers