As imagined by Brian Beacom

YES, yes, this issue of self-identification and gender reforms won’t go away but, in answer to your opening question, no, I won’t be having a T-shirt made up imprinted with ‘JK Rowling. Noun. Perpetual Nuisance.’

I choose to remain dignified when pestered to hell and back. And as you know, I will continue to defend the rights of those who choose self-identification. I have long self-identified as a person of great emotional intelligence, who can read a room and is fully transparent in every aspect of policy. As such I refuse to be T-shirted by a woman who has done little more for society that come up with stories about a wee wizard boy.

What? You say she’s a supporter of 17 charities, including MS and mental health? Well, all to the good. But she should support a progressive government in Scotland that’s doing nothing but good. And what right does she have to turn my name into a noun? I’m a verb. A doing word.

Okay, you want to know what I’ve been doing to capitalise on the abysmal ten days in power of Liz Truss, already a u-turner in terms of the 45p rate, a person who has Freddy Kruegered the money markets, the IMF, the pension fund managers and much of the Tory Party itself? You want to know what I doing about the Labour resurgence we aren’t enjoying?

Well, I’m doing a lot at the moment. I’m working hard to pacify those who want to know why four legal advisers have decided to get out of Dodge before the Covid Scotland inquiry can even get properly going.

I’m doing my damndest to defend the ferry crises. And the Health Service. And no, it’s not true you could watch a box set of Game of Thrones in the time you have to wait for an ambulance. Perhaps only the first three or four seasons. And the last season was rubbish anyway.

And at next week’s conference I, the verb, Nicola Sturgeon will be doing my best not to go into in detail of how any future economic plan for an independent Scotland will be laid out.

What I will talk about is the chaos of Westminster governments in recent times. And Brexit. I will remind everyone of how we need to get into the arterial heart of Europe, even if that means cutting off the blood supply that is our biggest trading partner.

I will also be doing my utmost to convince people we will have energy plans in place. Eventually. Would we remain part of the GB grid? Well, I will answer that once we become independent, just as I will do my best to dodge questions about where the financial backing for the new Scottish Central Bank will come from.

And when will we move to this new Scottish Bank? I don’t know, but we will do it when we do it, and it will be done because, JK, I, Nicola, am not a noun.