Explosive remark
THE UK’s economic meltdown is beginning to resemble the Wicked Witch of the West after that naughty scamp Dorothy chucked a bucket of water over her head.
Michael Gibson from Carnoustie says the parlous financial situation brings to mind a similar occasion, when GB PLC tanked under the stewardship of Gordon Brown.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer, as Brown was then grandly known, had promised to bring an end to the unstable business cycle of boom and bust.
One wag was later heard to remark: “Well, he certainly got rid of boom.”
Fearful flying
MOMENTOUS meltdown moments, continued. Reader Peter Foster heard one Treasury spokesperson say on TV: “Now is the time for cool heads.”
Says Peter: “A statement like that is about as calming as the pilot of a jumbo jet suddenly coming on the intercom and saying to the passengers: “What ever you do… don’t panic.”
Pregnant pause? Never
THESE are strange times, claims Ian Noble from Carstairs Village. “I read last week that a woman in the UK gives birth to a baby every 4.5 seconds,” he explains. “Now, we’ve got to find this woman…”
Fly guys
SOME newspaper columns provide their readers with thrills, spills and chills, aplenty. The Diary would never stoop to such simplistic and populist tricks of the trade. We have found a higher calling, which is to stun our followers into a reverie of ennui.
How do we achieve this feat? Well, recently it has involved describing famous novels in the most underwhelming way possible.
A task we triumphantly continue today, courtesy of reader Sharon Gilbertson, who suggests "A group of rumbunctious school boys get involved in tropical island hijinks”.
The book is, of course, Lord of the Flies.
Charged for charge
A WELL-KNOWN aphorism claims: "With great power comes great responsibility." Reader Eileen Boyle says this should be corrected to "With great power comes great electricity bills".
Dumbing down
A WHILE ago reader Kate Dowling was in a restaurant with her boyfriend. They had been waiting, with less and less patience, for the main courses to arrive.
Eventually Kate glanced over the shoulder of her beau, and said: “At last! I think that’s our dishes arriving with the dumb waiter.”
The beau, who was not especially au fait with restaurant culture, muttered reprovingly: “Shhhh! I know there’s been a bit of a delay. But that doesn’t mean we should be rude about the staff.”
Tablet talk
A SEETHING David Donaldson harrumphs: “To whoever stole my antidepressant pills, I hope you’re happy now.”
Read more from the Diary: Making your mind up: a Eurovision act for Glasgow
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here