Tree-mendous trash
THIS is an illustrious day in the Diary’s calendar. It’s time for our proud team to present this year’s very first "Surely It’s Much Too Early To Be Publishing Christmas Stories Christmas Story".
For we can reveal that in the North Merchiston area of Edinburgh a cunning local took advantage of the recent bin strike to dump on the street a Christmas tree, which must have last been in use eight months ago.
The tree looked heart-warmingly festive nestled amongst the black binbags, rotting fruit and rusting tin cans littering the street.
(Okay, that’s our first Crimbo yarn out of the way. Now brace yourself, faithful reader. Next week we hope to bring you a lovey-dovey tale celebrating Valentine’s Day 2023…)
Peak performance
A Diary discussion about newspaper headlines reminds reader Gordon Casely of working on the Evening Express in Aberdeen in the late 1960s when the paper reported that strongman Kenny Campbell from Beauly had managed to carry/shove/push a harmonium up Ben Nevis for charity.
His ultimate aim was to play it at the peak, then dismantle and set it alight. (Thus saving him the bother of having to carry/shove/push a harmonium down Ben Nevis.)
Meanwhile, the Evening Express was in a quandary. How to report this thrilling caper? "Harmonium" was clearly too long a word for a headline.
Yet the editorial staff were meticulous in their application. For not once did anyone suggest the obvious title, which would be: "Kenny pushes his organ up Ben Nevis".
Weather blether
MYSTIFIED reader Samantha Collins gets in touch to ask: “Before golf balls were invented how did people measure the size of hailstones?”
Language lesson
EDUCATIONAL adventures, continued. Reader David Donaldson’s son once went on a school trip to Italy. In a cafe on the Venice Lido a group of teachers asked him if he’d mind ordering them some drinks. This he obligingly did, though it took him a long time to recover from the humiliation of strolling over to the bar and requesting: "Three Lambrettas per favore."
Pongy poem
WE continue celebrating IZAL toilet roll and the rhymes that once appeared on its squares of paper, ensuring that the cludgie had both exquisite odes and excremental odours.
Talking of which, Donald Ritchie of Gourock recalls one refreshing rhyme that went:
"Ding dong bell,
Pussy's in the well,
No need to worry,
IZAL kills the smell."
One to chew over
COMMERCIALLY-minded reader Dan Mosley says: “When shops sell chewing gum, shouldn’t they promote it as being in mint condition?”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here