Top tactics

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of Andy Goram, a truly inspirational cricketer for Scotland, also remembered for his aptitude between the sticks on the footy field.

What is less well known is that Andy had a sophisticated tactical knowledge when it came to the beautiful game.

He was once asked by the broadcaster David Tanner what style of play should be implemented by a new Rangers manager.

Andy’s thoughtful reply was: “Just ****in’ win.”

A stratagem that is sadly often overlooked in the modern game.

Rhyme time

POURING hot fudge sauce on top of vanilla ice cream enhances the sense of indulgence. In much the same way, drizzling a little bit of highfalutin culture over the Diary transforms this page into a tasty sundae, even though it’s actually Monday (or should that be Mondae?).

With this in mind, we bring you a few lines of verse from Bishopbriggs poet Larry Cheyne, who also has a sideline as a political commentator…

There was a PM called Boris

Of very questionable mores

He stood by his chums

Even though they were bums

But now he must know where the door is.

Never the Twain

TEACHING English in a Glasgow South Side school in the 1990s, Helen Roberts decided to introduce her young charges to the wonders of American literature. After she mentioned Tom Sawyer author Mark Twain, one scholar thrust an eager hand in the air, then asked: “Wis he married to Shania, miss?”

Star too far

PROUD reader Gareth Sinclair gets in touch to tell us: “My wife often compares me to George Clooney. She'll say, ‘You're nothing like George Clooney.’"

Credit crunchy

ON the subject of inflation… Reader Tom Byrne sends us a receipt from a newsagents in Glasgow city centre, where he was charged £6.99 for one bag of crisps.

“I shouldn’t have been shocked,” admits Tom. “Especially when I spotted the name of the crisps on the packet… they’re called Cheetos.”

Wee book

OUR Book Nook continues to do a roaring trade, with readers promoting top tomes to peruse. Brian Crook from Bearsden suggests that Middle Eastern classic Stop Over In The Desert by Mustafa Pee.

And Ioin Millar from Newton Mearns suggests an upsurge in pet ownership means many animal lovers will be eager to buy The Canine Exerciser by Doug Walker.

Footering about

TRAINEE entertainer Nigel Russell says: “I'm nervous about covering my boss’s clown shift this Friday. Those are huge shoes to fill.”

U.S. of Eh?

A FEW days ago our cousins from across the pond celebrated Independence Day, one of the key dates in the Stateside calendar.

Reader Daniel McCall is not impressed, saying: “Honestly, only the Americans could have a day off to celebrate a movie.”

A right state

CONTINUING our Stars and Stripes theme. Comedy writer, actor and star of TV show Scot Squad, Jack Docherty, is just back from the States.

“I love the country,” he enthuses. “But there’s a real freaky dystopian Handmaid’s Tale end of democracy Christian fundamentalist truth-denying crypto-fascist autocratic crazy b*****d lunatic judges minority rule vibe at the moment.”

In other words, book your tickets to America now. A relaxing, stress-free holiday is guaranteed.

Razor’s edgy

FILM fan Hilary Metcalf from Stirling says: “Vampires in movies are mostly clean-shaven despite not being able to see their reflection in the mirror. Surely their chins should be covered in sticking plasters.”

Sod’s law

OUR sporting correspondents are enjoying the tennis. David Walker from Motherwell says: “The raised grass outside Wimbledon’s Centre Court was formerly named Henman Hill, then Murray Mound. If Cameron Norrie continues to excel in the game, can we expect this plot of land to be excavated into a quarry?”

Added complications

“I’VE an architect friend who’s addicted to building overly elaborate communal living facilities,” says reader Nigel Richardson. “His therapist says he has a complex complex complex.”

Brassed off

MANY of our readers care passionately about history, and are deeply disappointed by the philistines they often meet who do not share their interest.

Tony Menzies from Eaglesham says: “It’s disgraceful that even after 50 years, many people have no idea who Neil Armstrong was, let alone what kind of trumpet he played.”

Big beastie alert

THIS week we published a worrisome photo of a road sign which gave directions to both a nearby nuclear plant and a spider farm.

Our feverish imaginations, doused by too many Marvel movies, started thinking about the monsters that would ensue when a bunch of eight-legged beasties came into contact with the unbridled forces of atomic power.

It seems our idea is not so fanciful. Former Labour MP Sir Brian Donohoe tells us that when he was employed by Hunterston A power station in Ayrshire the spiders found near the reactor were five to six inches in size.

Which is five to six inches larger than any spider has a right to be…

Feeling ruff

PET-LOVING reader Wendy Norman recently bought a husky dog. “Now I’ll have to buy him some throat lozenges,” she adds.

Margy-Bargy

WINCING through the pain, reader Alastair MacRae says: “I dropped a tub of margarine on my foot last month and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better.”

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