BEING the UK’s most illustrious journalist is a marvellous occupation. Showbiz buddies always invite me to glamorous parties in penthouse suits, where we swap bon mots and tittle-tattle every bit as naughty and sparkling as the champagne being quaffed. (Moet & Chandon, of course. None of your Tesco own brand rubbish.)
I also have the ear of every politician of good standing in Westminster and Holyrood. If there’s a government policy worth admiring, it was my advice that led to its unveiling.
A policy universally condemned? I was holidaying at the time. The minister tried to get through on my mobile, to beg for advice. Alas, I was busy at the pool bar, explaining to a grateful Leonardo DiCaprio how to introduce emotional integrity into his next performance.
But sometimes even a premier wordsmith gets a little antsy, and yearns for a new challenge.
That’s why I’ve decided to start my own religion. Nothing fancy. All I intend to do is introduce a moral and social framework to be obeyed by all mankind, that also explains how the universe began, and what to expect from an afterlife.
First I need some catchy sloganeering. Pithy one-liners summing up my message to the faithful.
And I can now proudly proclaim that I’ve found the source of some instant wisdom… by tearing off the lid of a Pot Noodle.
What I spotted inside was dried noodles, inevitably. Though they were less important than something else I discovered.
A sachet.
Of sauce.
Written on the sachet was a message. No, not just a message. A commandment, much like the words scrawled on those chunks of rubble discovered by some beardy bloke on Mount Sinai.
What was written was this: ‘Squeeze A Little Extra.’
I sat down and pondered this for a long time. Isn’t it true that we could all ‘squeeze a little extra’ from life?
For many of us, the sachet of opportunity is left unopened. We are frozen to the spot, like dried noodles in a plastic pot, hoping the boiling kettle of inspiration will be drizzled over us, allowing us to flourish, to be flavoursome. To be delicious in our own special way.
But no kettle arrives. And we have to admit that life has gone to Pot (of the noodle variety).
Having been inspired by the philosophical sachet, I decided to open another Pot Noodle, to discover if more wisdom lurked within.
I came across a different sachet, with a different message. ‘Unleash What’s Inside’ it advised me.
Clearly the sachet was explaining that we should be proactive in our dealings. Don’t wait for life to happen to you. You must happen to life.
As I was about to tear open a third Pot Noodle, my wife arrived in the kitchen.
“That’s good food you’re wasting,” she snarled. The Pot Noodles and sachets were torn from my hands.
Perhaps I won’t bother inventing a new faith just yet. Better to ensure my wife has faith in me, first…
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