Party pooper

A TALE that underlines the electorate’s profound admiration for the political class. John Macnab from Ayrshire was told of a conversation that took place in Glasgow between two political canvassers and a chap on the doorstep.

“Can we rely on your vote in the forthcoming local election?" asked one canvasser.

"I'm a postal voter,” explained the chap. “I gave you my number two vote."

The pleased canvasser said: “We’re so glad that when you cast your second vote, you thought of our party."

"Don't mention it,” said the chap on the doorstep. “When I think of your party, I always think of number twos."

Batman returns

A DIARY tale about those ancient days when you could rent a contraption called a video from an establishment known as Blockbuster reminds Bill Cassidy of strolling into one of their branches and inquiring if he could rent the movie Batman Forever.

“Sorry,” said the sales assistant. “You’ll need to return it tomorrow.”

* MOVIE fan David Adams once visited Clydebank Asda in search of a DVD of the film Master and Commander starring Russell Crowe. Two versions were on sale, one slightly dearer than the other, so David enquired what the difference was. The salesperson explained the more expensive version contained a preview of the new Will Smith movie… “Wan Robot.”

Status? Quo

MADCAP malapropisms: Jim McGovern recalls a labour dispute in a workplace in Dundee. Management were of the opinion that the bonus targets were too easy to attain and should be raised.

The union chappies insisted they were too high, and should be lowered.

After numerous meetings, both sides agreed that no progress was being made and the targets should remain unchanged.

A mass meeting of the workforce was called and the senior union rep commenced his speech to the gathered throng by proclaiming: “Well lads, we didn’t gain anything. But we didn’t concede anything, either. So the good news is, it’s quo vadis.”

Playing at politics

“I WANTED to vote for better slides in parks in the local election,” says reader Fergus Borthwick. “Unfortunately I’m in a swing constituency.”

Footing the bill

AN acquaintance of Brian Logan from Langside revealed he could tap dance. Our impressed reader asked him to demonstrate.

“So he started hopping from one foot to the other,” says Brian, “while singing ‘Gie’s a len ae a fiver’.”

Hitting out

THE news that former Celtic and Manchester United midfielder Roy Keane is in the running for the Hibs manager job has delighted many of the club’s supporters.

And no wonder, says the Diary. For Roy is famed for his genial, relaxed and approachable manner. All that the cuddly Irishman needs to metamorphose into Val Doonican is a cardigan and his very own rocking chair.

Which is why we are at a loss to comprehend what comedy actor and Hibs fan, Jack Docherty, is talking about when he sputters: “Roy Keane? Seriously? Is Tyson Fury not available? Tommy DeVito? Begbie?”

On yer bike

MADCAP malapropisms, continued. Iain Colvin from Bridge of Weir is a great collector of muddled-up language. He says one of the favourite speeches he has heard involved someone explaining to him: “I know I’m going off on a tandem when I say this…”

*AS a GP, Russell Smith from Largs was regularly confronted by enigmatic requests from patients. One chap always asked for his prescription of Benny Lynch.

The punchy punter was actually after a dose of Benylin.

Sofa so good

A WHILE ago author Deedee Cuddihy told us about a posh Leith cat named Mitzi, who comes running for smoked salmon when she hears a champagne cork pop. Today we present the further adventures of that same majestic moggie…

Always celebrated as a clever cat, it appeared, for a brief moment the other day, that she had actually developed the ability to speak, when words were heard emanating from the area of the sofa she presides over.

Moving closer to investigate this impressive achievement, her owners heard the following: "Press one if you are calling from England and two if you are calling from Scotland."

It seems Mitzi had sat herself down on a mobile phone, and her highly intelligent posterior had dialled the Covid reporting line.

Musical musings

“I’M thinking of starting a band named Blankets and Duvets,” says reader Paul Spinney. “It’ll be a covers band.”

Sloshed scholar

OBSERVING a student imbibing a few crafty quenchers in a local hostelry, a Milngavie reader came up with the rhyme: “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… floor.”

* Read Lorne Jackson's Diary in The Herald every day