I remember mammy
CRIME novelist Liam McIlvanney recently asked when a "shy" in Scottish football became the more prosaic "throw-in".
Which inspires comedian Andy Cameron to wax lyrical about the grand old days of street footy, when scabby-kneed street urchins would ricochet through the backstreets, blootering a busted old bladder.
“Nae goalposts,” sighs Andy, blissfully. “Just two jaikets at either end.”
Revving up his romantic reverie, the comedy legend adds: “Rules were simpler, too. If it was twenty each, and looking like there wouldn’t be another goal, the match would be decided when whoever supplied the baw was shouted in for his tea by his irate mammy from the touch line.”
Water palaver
THE Diary continues to mangle our readers’ minds with memorable malapropisms. Tom Law recalls a boss being nonplussed by his company’s decision to bend organisational rules.
This miffed manager reckoned his firm was: “Skating on thin water.”
Having it large
A RAKISH reader who admits to being both a keen bibliophile and a boozer recently informed us that he belongs to a book club that satisfies both his primal urges, for club members read such literary treasures as Tequila Mockingbird.
Diary correspondent Jim Grove suggests the club should also read that famous children’s novel about statuesque, muscular ladies who enjoy a tipple.
The book, of course, is… Swallies and Amazons.
Hair-raising tale
“I ASKED my hairdresser if she’d ever given a henna rinse,” says reader Anne Caulfield. “She said no, but she had bathed her pet dog.”
Highland fling
LOTTIE Fyfe, an editor for a London publisher, is in a Mills & Boonish mood, revealing that she has retreated to the “Wild Highlands”, and plans on taking her cat to the vet. “If every romantic novel ever is anything to go by, I expect to meet a devastatingly attractive man, unattached and haunted by a darkly tragic yet unsinister past,” lilts Lottie, (perhaps a tad optimistically).
Fashionable faces
WE’RE musing about what to do with unused disposable facemasks, now masking rules have been eased.
A Paisley teacher informs us that pupils in her school still wear them in class. The reason being that the slivers of cloth have become quite the fashion item, adored by teen trendsetters.
“Kids don’t wear them over their mouths, just below the jawline,” adds the perplexed teacher, “like little chin hammocks. It’s bizarre, though I suppose youth fashion always is. In my day it was legwarmers.”
Mysterious metropolis
“EVERYONE knows where the Big Apple is,” points out reader Jason Cook. “Less people know where Minneapolis.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here