As imagined by Brian Beacom

LOOK, just because someone like me may keep a few rupees in tax each year away from the Chancellor – who happens to be my husband – is not something you newspaper people need concern yourselves about.

Yes, I know you’re demanding to know, “How can you claim not to not live in the UK – and avoid UK tax on a possible £20m income – when you actually live in a mansion in Kensington, or your Richmond mansion, or on the Yorkshire estate?”

It’s all very simple; if your daddy is an Indian multi-billionaire tech giant who happens to have a daughter who is paid millions in dividends by his company, all one has to do is give the UK tax man £30k a year as a sweetener, and declare that she will return to live in India – or wherever – one day.

So, is this non-dom thing so wrong? Yes, some say it’s allowed Russian mafia money to buy up London. But I’m stunned to hear Sir Keir Starmer accusing me of “appearing to represent breath-taking hypocrisy.”

What? This man has more faces than a Rolex factory. Wasn’t he the person who sipped at a bottle of beer, with colleagues no more than yards away, during the Covid crisis?

Okay, you may argue it’s morally dubious that the daughter of a multi-billionaire who is married to a man worth £200m – who has put up taxes more than any other Chancellor since the 1940s and skittled the lives of working class people into the alley – can avoid the question; “Who do you pay tax to? And how much?”

But consider this – researchers yesterday claimed to have turned back the clock on human skin cells by 30 years. All I’m doing with this nom-dom thing is turning back the clock to the 1980s when the concept of the wonderfully super-rich was allowed to rampage. Sorry, grow.

Of course, taxes are for the little people. But someone has to be small, don’t they? You Scots know that. And given the soaring cost of living in Britain, is this a good time to be paying more tax?

Will Rishi be pushed to change the laws on non-dom tax status? Sure, his ratings are dropping faster than the government’s attempt to garage-sale Channel 4. But there’s more chance of Nicola opening up her local election campaign events to the press – she’s a secretive little minx, isn’t she?

Will I return to live in India one day, as declared on my non-dom tax agreement? Of course! It may be for one day only, but meantime I’m committed to pay in full the tax rates the Chancellor of the UK Government sets for the likes of me.

Look, sorry I have to go. That’s him on the phone now. I need to ask if he can have a word about these giant potholes here in Kensington. I do wish taxpayers would fork out enough to get them filled in.

They can create real problems with a Maserati suspension.