Communication breakdown
TO prove our thesis that educational establishments would run more efficiently if it wasn’t for all those pesky pupils, the Diary has been publishing a series of exposés about the fiendish youngsters who make every teacher’s life a daily trauma.
A retired nursery school headmistress told Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie that she once read the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves to her class of pre-schoolers.
The kids were clearly enthralled by the dramatic narrative involving Snow White wandering, lost and alone, in a forest. Suddenly one little scholar thrust her hand in the air and asked: "Why did Snow White no just phone her mammy on her mobbie?"
Stone crazy
GINGER-HAIRED warbler Ed Sheeran won a recent copyright dispute, after it was claimed he had nabbed lines and phrases from the work of other musicians.
Finlay Buchanan from Edinburgh says: “This made me wonder why nobody from the Western Isles has taken the Rolling Stones to court. Their 60s hit Hey You, Get Offa My Cloud is clearly based on the traditional song Hey McLeod Get Offa My Ewe.”
Babe and arms
WE continue to focus the Diary’s microscope of mirth on the marital state. Reader Robert Gardner was strolling through his kitchen when he overheard one of the characters on the nearby TV call his wife ‘babe’.
Robert said to his wife: “I've never called you that.”
To which she replied, perhaps not unreasonably: “That's why you’re still alive.”
Masked marvel
NERVOUS reader Catherine Morris found herself at the dentist this week for the first time in years. As the dentist leaned over her, she whispered fearfully: “Should I take my face mask off?”
The dentist replied: “It’s entirely up to you. Though I’m an expert in these matters. And I have a sneaking suspicion it might help me see your teeth.”
Fizzing mad
RELAXING in a posh Edinburgh bar, reader Barbara James overheard a well-dressed lady tell her friend she wouldn’t be going on a second date with a certain chap.
With scorn in her voice, this lady said: “We went back to his, and he had champagne cooling in the fridge. But he didn’t serve it in a proper champagne bucket. It was a normal bucket. You know, like the ones you keep a mop in.”
Relatively speaking
AWARD for today’s most random comment goes to Mark Gilbert, who says: “Your dad’s grandpa and your grandpa’s dad are the same person.”
Gene genius
PROUD reader Tony Orr tells us: “I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here