Fall guy
YEARS ago Gordon Fisher from Stewarton was relaxing in the pub, attempting to immerse himself in the poetic language of his Herald, a task which was made difficult due to a Rangers game being broadcast in the vicinity.
This was the era when Brian Laudrup wore blue, and all the Gers faithful were oohing and aahing the dashing Dane’s every dribble and dunt of the ball.
Suddenly Laudrup lost his balance and the startled TV commentator pointed out that the superstar had tumbled over the corner flag.
In a tone combining pride and wonderment, one of the stalwart fans in the pub added: "Aye, but did ye see the way he fell into the flag? That wis pure class!"
Bum deal
FOO Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins was a popular rocker and many fans will mourn his tragic death.
Some will also recall lighter moments in his presence. Scottish musician Simon Liddell met him when Hawkins was performing a solo show at Stereo in Glasgow.
“During set-up he asked me to help him dry the ass sweat from his drum stool,” recalls Simon nostalgically. “Afterwards he called me ‘a legendary warrior of rock’… my finest moment.
Taking the biscuit
AFTER enjoying a Chinese meal, reader Steve Minton opened his fortune cookie and read the message: “The heart is wiser than the intellect.”
“That means you’re an eejit,” explained his wife. “But a nice one.”
Loadsa liberty
ON a train into Glasgow, reader Jake Harvey spotted a teenage girl gesturing excitedly out the widow while trilling to her boyfriend: “Look! Over there! Isnae that the Statue of Liberty?”
“The Statue of Liberty’s in America,” explained the wise lad.
“Aye, but doesnae every country huv one?” countered the persistent lass.
Choc wahey
AS April fast approaches the popular Glasgow crime writer Denise Mina recalls the very special prize a family member once bagged at this time of year.
“Easter always reminds me of my mum winning Woolworths’ ‘put the hat on the man’ competition,” she fondly recalls. “The prize was her choice of out-of-date Easter eggs and a chance to meet the manager.”
Numbers racket
FORMER maths teacher Margaret Thomson recalls being asked by one of her pupils: “Are we doing gozinties this morning, miss?”
Perhaps imagining that she had a mathematical prodigy on her hands who knew more about the subject than she did, Margaret set about quizzing the young genius in order to discover what he was talking about.
After asking a few questions, she realised he was referring to division sums, such as "2 gozinty 4".
“I still think of division this way,” admits an unrepentant Margaret.
Card trick
WEST End author Deedee Cuddihy was in the Bank of Scotland on Byres Road this week when she overheard a chap in his thirties say to the teller: "Hi. I'm in for a new bank card. I got arrested at the weekend and my card's gone missing in custody."
In a relaxed, conversational tone he added: "The same thing happened the last time I was in prison."
Musical mix-up
WHEN reader Ken Gardner strolled into a record shop, the sales assistant said: “Good morning.”
“You too,” replied Ken.
“Third aisle on the right,” said the sales assistant.
Brought to book
RELAXING in a Glasgow watering hole recently, reader Jenny Clayton overheard a chap attempting to woo his lady-friend in a shady corner of the bar.
Leaning close to her, the fellow whispered: “You’re being very rumbunctious.”
The woman, managing not to swoon, merely said: “You’re really pulling out all the vocab stops, tonight. You having an affair with a thesaurus?”
Till point
“I’M desperate to buy one of those grocery checkout dividers,” admits reader Linda Johnson. “But the woman behind the till keeps putting it back.”
Senior service
WITH a nostalgic glint in his eye, reader Alan Beck recalls the days when the only reading material you could discover in an elderly relative’s home was a sturdy edition of the bible on the mantelshelf. It would seem that matters have evolved, somewhat.
Alan wandered into the Forbidden Planet comic shop in Glasgow this week and overheard a teenage chap telling the assistant that he was new to this reading malarky and wanted to try some of the available product.
“So you’ve never read a Batman comic?” enquired the surprised assistant.
“No,” admitted the customer. “But I’ve seen loads of them round at my granddad’s house.”
Bloomer
“MY wife is always moaning that I don’t buy her flowers,” says reader Dave Jordan. “To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.”
* Read Lorne Jackson's Diary every day in The Herald
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