Bird-brained
GLASGOW solicitor Matthew Berlow gets some unusual requests for his services. A few days ago someone got in touch with him and said: “Hello. My name is Barnaby Plankton. It’s about my parrot.”
Alas, this important call was cut short at this intriguing juncture, with Mr Plankton hanging up, thus rejecting the opportunity to receive the aid he desired.
Maybe he suddenly recollected the name of another legal eagle he could phone, who specialises in providing bird-brained advice.
Peregrine Mason, perhaps?
Scott… or not?
A HERALD photo of the Scott Monument reminds Eric Begbie from Stirling of an incident a few days ago, when he spotted a tourist guide standing on Edinburgh’s Princes Street, surrounded by a group of admiring clients.
Clearly in command of his brief, this intellectual giant pointed at the looming structure across the road, before informing the tourists under his thrall: "That’s the Scots’ Monument. And the statue inside it is that most famous of all Scots… Rabbie Burns."
(Be)spokesperson
POLITICALLY savvy reader Jim Morrison was intrigued to learn that Stewart McDonald, the SNP’s Spokesperson for Defence, had a previous career in retail. “I wonder if he ever worked in an Army & Navy store?” says Jim.
Fishy crab
SEAFOOD shenanigans, continued. Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock recalls the chap who asked a seaside fishmonger if his overpriced crab was fresh. The proud fishmonger retorted that the crab was indeed fresh, having just scuttled across from the harbour.
Upon hearing this, the potential customer took a sniff of the crab, then said: “Well, it must have stood on something before it reached the shop.”
Story arc
YEARS ago reader Jim Jackson was watching the classic sci fi TV serial Blake’s 7 with his wife. At one point Jim’s exasperated better half announced that the programme should be switched off because the dialogue was nonsensical.
Jim declared that he found it very imaginative. He particularly liked when the show’s hero encountered aliens and labelled them "off-worlders" because they didn’t live on Earth.
This surprised Jim’s wife.
“I thought he called them arc welders,” she confessed.
Fear of flies
A UK university warned its undergraduates to be careful reading Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea due to "scenes of violent fishing", notes reader Scott Graham, who adds: “Maybe tutors should also warn students about Lord of the Flies and its terrifying trouser-zips.”
Musical munch
“FOR my birthday I got a cake that looks like an old-fashioned stereo,” says reader Neil Peterson. “It’s a gateau blaster.”
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