Bucolic battlefield
BIBLIOPHILE Anne Chowaniec from Lenzie enjoys rummaging in second-hand bookshops. On one visit she was most surprised to discover a volume titled The Archers of Ambridge, which had been filed on a shelf labelled… Militaria.
The Diary concludes from this story that the gentle folk of Ambridge have become rather feisty of late.
Could it be that they have reversed the biblical injunction, and beaten their ploughshares into swords?
Close call
OUR readers are on a mission to discover little-known collective nouns. Gordon Casely suggests: “A pillar of columnists.”
(And, yes, we are relieved to report that he did say "pillar". For the briefest of moments we assumed he meant a similar sounding word. One that begins with the same first four letters, though ultimately rhymes with futtock.)
Handy notification
A DIARY yarn about the trials and travails of motherhood reminds Grant MacKenzie from Bearsden of his wife's valiant attempt to toilet-train one of the children.
Grant recalls returning home from work to be greeted in the hall by this nappyless youth, proudly announcing that he had "dun a poo!"
Not wishing to dampen his enthusiasm (or correct his grammar) our reader heartily congratulated him and inquired where he'd actually done the deed.
"In my hand!" reported the boy gleefully, proffering his unclenched fist.
Delightful driller
WE’RE discussing medical types with amusing monikers. Reader Brian McAughtry says: “Growing up in Bucksburn on the outskirts of Aberdeen, the local dentist went by the name of... Mr Kindness.”
Which is a strange name for a chap who tugs teeth for a living.
And stranger still?
“He lived up to his name,” marvels Brian.
Dig for victory
EAGLE-EYED Robin Irvine spotted an article on the Racing Post website informing readers that improvements are to be made to the Newmarket roads after some accidents involving horses and cars.
Amongst the blackspots identified, continued the article, was the Bury Road crossing, which apparently can "host upwards of 1,000 horse movements per day".
“One assumes the work will involve a group of council employees with shovels,” adds Robin.
Hitting out
WE continue celebrating arcane golfing terminology. Bill Rutherford from Galashiels tells us that an unfortunate lie of the ball is sometimes called a Piers Morgan.
This is when you really want to give it a good smack, but, alas, can't.
Bear necessities
PHILOSOPHICAL reader Roddy Young gets in touch to ask the most profound of questions. “If a bear is wearing socks and shoes,” he muses, “does it not still have bear feet?”
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