As imagined by Brian Beacom
YOU want to know what all the fuss is about? To be honest, so do I, and I’m hoping Scots tennis fans will sign the petition to get me out of the Melbourne hotel – which my dad describes as a torture chamber – where I’m being held.
All I know is that Tennis Australia love me. A visa was granted for entry, but now that does not guarantee entry. So what does entry mean if you can’t actual enter – and then you are asked to meet entry requirements?
The Australian government is saying the health information I supplied is questionable. So I’ll make myself clear. I am not saying I am an anti-vaxxer, even though I have sympathy with those who think that anyone who takes a vaccine is in effect putting the blood of Satan into their veins. And there is a very real chance they will produce cloven-hoofed children who speak in tongues and believe Boris Johnson to be of strong character.
But I do believe in “natural” healing. I once suggested that polluted water could be cleansed by the power of positive thinking, that science had proved “that molecules in the water react to our emotions”. So why can’t I turn the Omicron virus into Ribena?
And there are other reasons why I should play in Melbourne. My dad says I am the greatest tennis player of all time, with 20 grand slams to my name, and it would have been 21 had the American linesperson not leapt in the way of the ball I fired loosely in her direction during a fit of temper. Fifteen love to me.
I have the support of some the greatest free thinkers in the world over my libertarian stance, such as the cream of Fox News presenters. Thirty love.
I also have a great hair line, which means I will long be a poster boy for tennis. Forty love. And my dad says I’m the Spartacus of tennis, the one-true voice for the individual around the world.
Game to Djokovic.
As a supporter of peace and love – and my own Covid-ridden Balkan’s tennis tournaments – it’s a little difficult for me to back the Serbian government’s discussions on whether to declare war on Australia. And it’s not true I would be prepared to have Aussie Prime Minister Scott Morrison tied to a fence and serve tennis balls in the direction of his groin, even though Serbian television would pay heavily for the rights to screen this.
But I know you Scots support me in principle. You cried when contained by the tyranny of authority when you couldn’t get pie faced at the New Year with your pals. You want me on the court. Not in court.
So, it’s down to the question of exemption. Well, I have an exemption, of course I do. It is from all moral and personal responsibilities, to other players. And if have you a two-handed backhand like mine who’s to say I’m wrong?
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel