More experienced and wiser columnists try to avoid writing about cyclists and dogs. Particularly cyclists who own dogs. Their fur if not their feathers can be easily ruffled.

I’ve nothing against dogs, in fact the working variety are pretty wonderful. It’s the owners I’m less keen on. “My dog, right or wrong”, sums up the attitude of those owners too dim to appreciate that not everyone loves dogs. Sorry, not even your dog. GK Chesterton put it in a nutshell, “I always like a dog, so long as it isn’t spelled backward”.

In our area, Covid and lockdown have led to a multiplicity of mutts, probably explaining the proliferation of dog mess. I wonder how many nocturnal walkers use the cover of darkness to avoid cleaning up after their dogs? Even in daylight hours, I suspect there are walkers who surreptitiously check if anyone is watching before reaching (or not), for the poop bag.

I’m even more baffled by those who do the needful before festooning nearby branches and fences with neatly tied plastic bags. There’s a PhD waiting for whoever unravels the thinking behind that.

Of course, we should challenge those who fail to clean up, but how many of us are willing to take the risk? Dog walkers generally have a sense of entitlement and believe their pooch’s poo to be an adornment of the local area. A challenge may well unleash dog’s abuse.

Not long ago, I challenged a walker whose dog was relieving itself against my bin. Did he apologise or offer to clean up? That would be right. Instead, he shook his head pityingly at my stupidity, and patronisingly “explained” that I didn’t understand how difficult it is to get a dog “to pee where you tell it”. Not my problem mate; except that it was, as I had to pull on the marigolds and wash the bin before it was emptied later in the day.

Others regularly exercise their pets on the local playing field, irrespective of the health hazard for others. Signs prohibit the exercising of dogs, but no matter how intelligent owners claim them to be, I’ve yet to meet a dog that can read.

I’m not suggesting it’s the neighbourhood from hell, but peace and quiet is regularly disturbed by the barking of a neighbour’s two terriers. A passer-by provokes ten minutes of noise pollution. An innocent query as to whether the dogs are frustrated/bored/anxious/neglected is greeted with an uncomprehending stare.

My wife is genuinely wary of dogs and they sense her fear. On a country walk a collie admittedly on a lead, leapt up and bit her arm, tearing her jacket and shirt and puncturing her skin. Incredibly, the owner was unabashed, telling us the dog had “never done that before”. Maybe aye, maybe no, but in the middle of the country we had no comeback. We could hardly arrest the dog and march it and its owner to the nearest police station.

I’m also tired of being told by owners of dogs that jump up, he’s only “being friendly” or, God help me, “saying hello”. Playful is the lazy owner’s euphemism for unruly and poorly trained.

Yes, yes, I know your dog is better behaved and more intelligent than most children, so don’t bother writing in. Dog ownership is too easy and every responsible owner like you, has an irresponsible counterpart. Licences were abolished in the late 1980s, because they were more trouble than they were worth. The recent surge in dog ownership however, is good reason to reintroduce licensing that emphasises both privilege and responsibility.

Licensing could involve theory and practical tests for would-be owners. Sure, it would cost, but other countries seem to manage. In parts of the Netherlands, an annual licence is over €100. I could be barking up the wrong tree, but we need something similar to stop things going to the dogs.

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