Boozy Bert

RAISE the Roof is the new album from former Led Zeppelin wild man Robert Plant and his country crooner chum Alison Krauss.

Intriguingly, the record includes a cover version of It Don’t Bother Me, written by the late Scottish folk legend Bert Jansch.

The Diary’s favourite Jansch yarn involves him learning to play guitar in the 1960s.

Fellow folky Archie Fisher said it took him two lessons to teach Bert everything he knew.

Archie admitted it would have taken one, but on the first lesson they went out and got drunk.

Uh-oh, BoJo

THE Diary is a staunch admirer of our formidable Prime Minister. Only Boris Johnson has the intellectual daring to introduce the subject of children’s cartoon character, Peppa Pig, in a speech delivered to senior business leaders. A lesser politician would never have strayed from the topic of financial affairs, dispensing with the piggy pontificating entirely.

Alas, reader Dan Briggs is disappointed with BoJo. “I though Brexit was about securing our national borders,” says Dan. “Yet Boris seems to have engineered a fleeting visit to Peppa Pig World without the use of a passport or border checks. So much for taking back control.”

Pointed statement

ENTREPRENEURIAL reader John Alexander plans on designing environmentally sound office clothing using cactus leaves.

“My customers will be very sharp dressers, indeed,” enthuses John.

Sticky situation

A CLIMATE change activist glued his face to a road during COP26, recalls Iain Ferguson from Prestwick. Our curious reader wonders if the chap’s face, along with the rest of his body, is still there.

“Has he been promoted to a roundabout, or at least a traffic island?” muses Iain. “And if he needs a haircut, does the barber come to him?”

Jumper jettisoned

WE asked what Christmas traditions our readers would happily dispense with. Ross Doyle from Ayr suggests fun festive knitwear, which he claims often leads to marital disharmony.

“I was swithering about buying a humorous Christmas jumper, featuring Santa or Rudolph,” says Ross. “My wife disabused me of the notion by saying, ‘You don’t need the help of a jumper to look moronic.’”

Elegantly wasted

IT’S reported that undereye circles have become fashionable with young girls, who use make-up to give themselves the appearance of bohemian dishevelment.

Reader Jenny Martin says: “I’ve craftily avoided having to buy the make-up by spending 10 years on the night shift as a nurse.”

Sofa sloucher

DAFT gag time. “What do you call a lazy kangaroo?” asks Jamie Benson. “A pouch potato.”