AS Steven Gerrard departs Rangers Football Club so he can wallow in the delights of Birmingham’s Spaghetti Junction, Diary reader John Mulholland says: “I’ve just figured out why referees award Rangers so many penalties.”

Our correspondent, whom we assume is not overly enthusiastic about those Ibrox chaps, arrived at his findings by the scientific process of rearranging the letters in Gerrard’s name.

Leading him to conclude that when it comes to dubious decision making in the penalty box, referees invariably… ‘rate Gers diver’.”

Pun and games

CONGRATULATIONS to pun-loving Fife comedian Richard Pulsford, who has joked his way through to the finals of the Scottish Comedian of the Year. It’s thoughts such as the following that have made Richard a triumphantly silly success…

“A French mime artist taught me that 'less is more'. Morsel, more so.”

Kid’s stuff

“ENTERING a teenager’s room is a lot like a trip to Ikea,” points out reader Eileen Murphy. “You pop in just to have a wee look, and end up leaving with six cups, two plates, four bowls, a tea towel and some cutlery.”

Bottled bliss

IT’S not even close to Valentine’s Day. Even so, romantically inclined comic actor and Glasgow panto favourite, Johnny Mac, has been mulling over the meaning of amour, eventually arriving at the following description…

“The definition of true love: opening a chilled glass bottle of Irn-Bru and letting my wife have the first swig.”

Snow big deal

LIKE a particularly sour-faced Scrooge, the Diary continues to list those hideously festive things we want banned this Christmas.

Jenny Fenn believes The Snowman cartoon, regularly broadcast on December 25, should never be shown again.

“I don’t understood why viewers get so emotional at the end of the film when a big pile of snow melts,” she shrugs. “What next? People getting teary-eyed when they defrost a chicken?”

Walker awakens

INSPIRED by all the pontificating and protests surrounding COP26, reader Lisa Devlin asked her elderly mother what she thought about renewable energy.

Mum shrugged, and said: “I’ve not got an opinion on it, though your dad says he gets all the renewable energy he needs from a cabinet in the living room. That’s where he keeps his bottle of Johnnie Walker.”

Room for improvement

A DIARY tale about a chap extending his kitchen reminds Peter Mackay, from Kincraig, near Aviemore, of a friend who wanted to knock two rooms into one.

“He now has a kitchen with a 24ft high ceiling,” says Peter.