Tartan tirade
THOSE thrill-a-minute thespians Alan Cumming and Miriam Margolyes have been touring Scotland in a camper van for new Channel 4 series, Miriam and Alan: Lost in Scotland.
Alan was delighted the pair didn’t have to sleep in the van: “That meant that all the habits that could have been annoying, like Miriam eating raw onions and farting loudly, were cute instead.”
Miriam, meanwhile, revealed the downside of having a toilet-seat cover made in her own tartan: “I’m not somebody who likes fabric in a lavatory,” she explained. “I think fabric should be in the gusset of your knickers and nothing else.”
Assault and battery
A DIARY tale about a broken-down vehicle reminds Jim Scott of his first motor, a Mini, which suffered from an unstable battery located in the car’s boot. A gentle tap with a hammer always solved the problem.
One day Jim stalled at lights in Glasgow city centre. The chap behind, driving a Jaguar Mark X, tooted tetchily on his horn. So Jim grabbed his hammer, which he kept on the passenger seat, and bounded from his car, eager to deal with his wonky car battery.
What the chap in the Jaguar saw was a fellow racing towards him wielding the sort of hefty weapon most often associated with a Norse god of thunder on the warpath.
No doubt assuming his window was about to be smashed in, the poor fellow cowered under his dashboard while Jim gently bopped his battery.
Racing rubbish
WITH the recent woeful weather, Albert Hannah from Aberdeen says: “It’s been so windy that my wheelie bin is now on a speed awareness course.”
Wacky waffle
CONVERSATIONS in Glasgow can be as surreal as a daffy Dali daub. Reader Maureen Beam was on a city centre bus when she heard one teenage girl remark to another: “Ma maw’s obsessed with the royal family, though ma dad’s no fussed. The oany hing gets him goin’ is a pack o’ Cheesy Wotsits.”
Wacky walking
COCKAMAMIE comment of the day comes from reader Ron Marshall, who says: “Shoes are just portable floors.”
Medium muddle
A GOLFING chum of Russell Smith from Largs asked a clothes shop assistant for a bunnet, explaining that he was a medium.
“Oh?” said the intrigued assistant. “Could you get in touch with ma auntie Janet? She died last week.”
Jurassic joke
A HISTORICAL lesson from reader Jim Dever, who reveals that there were no ATM machines during the dinosaur era. “They had to use Tyrannosaurus cheques,” he adds.
Read more: Clearly, thirsty types are thrilled by Ms Thunberg
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