Baby talk

A VIGNETTE of everyday life, courtesy of reader Harvey Metcalf, who spotted a young Glasgow mother struggling with her shrieking toddler, no older than two.

“Peter!” scolded the mother, “you’re just venting your frustration unnecessarily.”

For some unfathomable reason these wise words didn’t prove persuasive and Peter continued shrieking.

Orange aid

A DIARY story about a memorabilia auction reminds reader John Mulholland of a tall tale he heard after the London 2012 Olympics. Apparently the ribbon from the gold medal won by Team GB in the men’s 10,000 metres was auctioned in Glasgow and, in order to attract local interest, was listed in the catalogue as: ‘The sash Mo Farah wore.’

Barking mad

“EVERYTHING and everybody seems to have a patron saint,” points out reader Urpu Sellar, who tries to persuade us (almost successfully) that the patron saint for cats and dogs is St Barkolomeow.

(Nice try, Urpu.)

Board stiff

CONGRATULATIONS to Sky Brown. At the grand old age of thirteen she has won a bronze medal for team GB at the Tokyo Olympics, thanks to her prowess on a skateboard.

Though the husband of reader Stephanie Beard wasn’t quite so impressed as most fans.

Slumped on the sofa and watching the spectacle on TV, he muttered: “So let me get this right. You nail a roller-skate to a miniature ironing board then try not to fall off… and that’s a sport?”

He then brandished the remote control with a righteous flourish and clicked over to Netflix.

Taking a powder

A DIARY yarn about a puggled pub patron inspires Gordon Fisher from Stewarton to point out that it is not only imbibers of that noxious fluid called beer who have habit-forming personalities. He recalls the tale of the louche thespian who insouciantly remarked: "Cocaine is certainly not addictive. And I should know. I took it every day for twenty-seven years."

Tenor terror

WE’RE discussing occasions that were made difficult by inappropriate musical accompaniment.

While getting a cataract operation reader Derek Blakey nervously waited for the surgeon to make his first cut.

Before starting his work, the kindly surgeon decided to put on some soothing classical music, knowing his patient enjoyed this type of thing, and thus concluding that it would help him relax.

Unfortunately the tune playing was ‘Time to Say Goodbye’, sung by the blind tenor Andrea Bocelli.

Dotty drive

GLOBETROTTING gadabout Pete McNeill recalls a memorable visit to the UK capital. “I shared a London taxi with a group of spotty youths,” he says. “I think it was an acne carriage.”