GOVERNMENT ministers claim it may be possible to spread Covid through flatulence. “My wife has declared me a national health hazard,” says reader Bob Jamieson.

That sinking feeling

A DIARY tale about an inappropriate song being played on the radio reminds Barrie Crawford of a holiday in Majorca that included a sailing tour round the local islands. As he boarded the boat My Heart Will Go On, the theme from the movie Titanic, started playing on the loudspeakers.

“During the trip the sea got a bit choppy and sick bags were dispensed by the crew, but fortunately there was no sign of an iceberg,” says Barrie.

Boabing along

THE Diary recently claimed people should choose their careers not according to aptitude, but solely depending on alliterative qualities.

Concurring with this sentiment, comedian Andy Cameron gets in touch to tell us of an old pal from Renfrewshire who was always complaining about a bad-tempered police officer called Robert who lived in his street.

“They are both regrettably no longer with us,” says Andy, “but I still think of my friend getting upset with Boabby the bombastic Bobby fae Borrheid.”

Barking mad

WE’VE been discussing dogs with unusual names. Stewart Daniels, from Cairneyhill, Fife, recalls that during his 30 years with Strathclyde Police the dog branch employed, at various times, officers named Bone, Rough and Barker.

Pharmacy fade-out

WITH a deep sense of resignation, reader David Donaldson says: “You know you’re getting old when the chemist asks, "Anything for the weekend?" and the answer is "One large tube of Voltarol and a packet of Nytol"* please."

*Other brands of non-prescription sleeping tablets are available, we feel duty bound to point out.

Rabbiting on

IN one of its more educational moments the Diary pointed out that if a bald chap wishes to appear as though he has a full head of hair he always has the option of smearing Marmite on his scalp. This thought reminds reader Derek Blakey of the story about a bald fellow with a rabbit balanced squarely on his head.

“Which from a distance looked like hare,” adds Derek.

Food for thought

AN unlikely tale from Arthur Kirkpatrick, from Largs. Or do we mean a pair of unlikely tails?

“Two church mice came to my door,” says Arthur. “They wanted to speak to me about cheeses.”

Corrective action

FINDING herself continually frustrated by technology, reader Jane Roberts says: “Autocorrect and I have a love hat relationship.”