Wheely silly

A TALE about a bicycle in the Diary reminds reader Willie Ferguson of an incident at his workplace, where a rather sincere chap, who was perhaps a little slow on the uptake, was employed as an electrician's helper.

One day the electrician required a spare part, so he sent his helper to the store to fetch it, telling him to take the bike to speed up the process.

Much later the helper returned with the part.

"What kept ye?” asked the electrician. “Did ye no take the bike?”

“Aye,” replied the helper. “But ah cannae go a bike.”

Pell-mell papa

THE Diary continues to thrive in its new role as a school bully. As yet we haven’t nabbed a pupil’s pocket money, though we have been heaping humiliation on vulnerable young scholars by revealing their most calamitous classroom gaffs.

Teacher Moira Campbell recalls a student’s wonky translation from German into English, where the original German sentence was: “Father went quickly into the bathroom and turned on the light.”

This was rather freely adapted into: “Father ran into the bathroom at the speed of light.”

Heading for trouble

JUST in case you think we should pity pupils instead of pillorying them, here’s a tale of how devilishly dastardly young scholars can be.

A friend of reader Brendan Keenan is a retired head teacher. He tells the story of a former pupil, turned bald and bearded, who was invited to speak at his alma mater.

Ignoring teacherly advice, he asked the pupils if they had any questions, which led to the immediate response: "Mister, is your heid on upside down?”

Drama to crises

WATCHING television this week, Ken McLean from Denny enjoyed the STV drama ‘Too Close’.

“I look forward to the pandemic based sequel called ‘Not Too Close’,” he adds.

Water way out

CONCERNED reader Jim Hamilton says: “There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and think: “They’re going to find me… naked.”

Bad vibrations

THE wife of Terry Primrose from Strathaven became concerned during a P&O Cruise when she heard a sinister buzzing noise in the couple’s cabin.

The best efforts of the steward failed to discover the source, so the ship’s engineer was called, who examined the plumbing and electrical systems.

Eventually the fiendish culprit was discovered.

In a small recess was an electric toothbrush, switched on and vibrating impudently.

Not her bag

CONFUSED reader Claire Bisset admits: “When it comes to messing up simple sayings, I've been there, done that, got the tea-bag.”