A FEW years ago Ian Colgan had the privilege of being the late Johnny Beattie’s body-double for a scene in a well known drama set in Shieldinch (We’re sure you know the show). At the day’s end the director suggested Ian introduce himself to Johnny. For want of a better line, Ian said: "Hello Johnny, I'm your double." To which the comedy legend instantly replied: "That's great, Ian. I've never had a double before. Apart from maybe the alcoholic variety."

Cutting remark

JIM Smith isn’t just a popular stand-up comedian. He’s also a busy Perthshire beef and sheep farmer. Which might explain the untoward thought he had while sitting down to view a notoriously violent slasher movie from the 1980s.

“Watching Nightmare On Elm Street,” says Jim. “And I can't help thinking that Freddy Krueger would be a dab hand at cutting the wrap off silage bales.”

Eternal problem

ANOTHER film fan is Muirend reader Diane Cooper, who was watching the Hollywood classic From Here To Eternity on the telly the other day. Her enjoyment of the flick was spoiled when she had to take a phone call. “I got to ‘Here’ though I never quite made it to ‘Eternity’,” sighs Diane.

Steamy windows

GOOD news at last. Though only if you happen to be short-sighted. Reader Sandy Tuckerman reports: “If you are forced to use a face mask and wear glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.”

Shot in the dark

OVER the last few months our readers have taken up a diverse range of new and exciting hobbies. “Have you never tried blind-folded archery?” asks Jim Hamilton. “You don’t know what you’re missing.”

Flight of fancy

JET set gadabout George Dale is planning a jaunt to Paris, flying from Glasgow with Ryanair. Our reader is a sensible chap, so intends on taking the adequate precautions. He says: “Being concerned with the density and close proximity to other passengers, I wonder if they will charge me extra for a window seat with an opening window?”

Sounds wrong

WE recently wondered why the word "dyslexia" is so difficult to spell. In a similar vein of bamboozlement, Ian Noble, from Carstairs Village, South lanarkshire, is curious to know why "phonetic" starts with a "ph".

Clubbable chap

A TRAUMATIC tale involving a serious sporting injury. Reader Bruce Wheen tells us he was strolling through a sports shop when he accidentally tumbled into a display of golf clubs. “I’m sure I’ll be fine,” says Bruce, “though I’m not out of the woods yet…”