Balls up
A RECENT story set on a Scottish links reminds a reader of the golfer who sliced his ball so badly it whizzed off the course, crashing into a nearby bus. The startled driver hurtled his double-decker into cars, pedestrians and even a wee Scottie dug minding his own business and dreaming idly of a juicy bone waiting for him at home.
Chaos ensued, with a side order of carnage.
“What should I do?” groaned the grief-stricken golfer, witnessing the devastation.
“Well,” says his golfing buddy. “Your problem’s in your grip. Now if you’d addressed the ball like this...”
Amelie = amore
OUR discussion about the saucy shenanigans people get up to watching Netflix reminds a reader of a colleague who watched the French film Amélie with his wife and told her he thought it was a great “good feel” movie.
She knew what he meant, and hopefully she gave him a wee cuddle anyway.
Present stinks
A RETIRED doctor recalls his days as a student when he would help deliver babies, then return to his classes. The day after one particular birth our medical man was contacted by the delivery room to say the grateful mum had left him a gift.
A bottle of whisky? Brand new stethoscope? Nope.
Our fellow was rather bemused to be presented with a very pretty bottle of perfume.
Having a giraffe
THINKING about buying a pet, Malcom Peterson from Clydebank says a giraffe is his preferred option. “They’re cheap to feed,” he explains, “because a little goes a long way.”
Chocs away
FAKE news item. Reader Charlie Baker tells us the unlikely story of the bloke crushed to death in a chocolate factory. “He tried yelling for help,” explains Charlie, “But every time he said ‘The Milky Bars are on me!’ everybody cheered.”
Name game
WE continue discovering words that would make excellent kiddy names. Jim Allan from Cellardyke says it’s just as well his wife only gave birth to sons as his favourite names for girls were Cynthia and Phyllis which he would have wanted to combine into the mellifluous-sounding Syphilis.
Sacrilegious behaviour
MORE misheard lyrics. Norman Brown from Barassie once believed the song We Are Family by Sister Sledge included the words: “Just let me staple the vicar.”
The lyrics are in fact: “Just let me state for the record.”
Talking of which, the Diary would like to state for the record that on no account do we endorse the stapling of vicars.
Unless you have a staple gun handy and the vicar’s particularly annoying.
Caustic in Caucasus
DAFT gag time. “What do you call it when a Russian Emperor uses irony to mock someone?” asks Ben Milton. “Tsarcasm.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here