Oats, madam?
WHO among us can resist making a witty riposte even if it verges on cheek? Reader Joe Knox recalls that, as a young after-school delivery boy, he turned up on his Lipton’s bike to deliver a bag of oatmeal to number 391. Getting no reply, he tried the next door neighbour.
Neighbour: “Is it for Mackintosh?”
Young Joe: “No, it’s for Mackin’ Porridge.”
Our Joe maintains to this day that the remark was made in all innocence. We believe him.
Domestic help
DIARY stalwart John Henderson sees a positive side to whoever ends up as Chancellor and next-door neighbour to Boris Johnson if the country get lucky and the blond poltroon becomes PM. Quoth John: “At least if there’s another ‘domestic’, the police will always be on hand outside 10 Downing Street to deal with it.”
Boris Who?
MEANWHILE, as the threat of Boris ruling over us gets nearer, reader John Dunlop is irresistibly of the Who song ‘Boris the Spider’. All together now: “Now he’s up above my head/Hanging by a little thread.” The song goes on: “Now he’s dropped on to the floor/Heading for the bedroom door.” But, in the interests of personal privacy, I think we’ll leave that there.
Invisible Frank
OUR recent story featuring camouflage reminded a Coatbridge reader of the late Frank Carson’s tale about his stint in military service.
Sergeant-Major: “Carson, I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning.”
Frank: “Thank you, sir!”
Take matt!
READERS’ tales about family business mottos remind Bob Mackie of when Woolworth’s arrived in 1960’s Largs. Their selection of DIY decorative materials prompted McCaig the painter to put on his van: “Big store cheap paint/Wee store good paint.”
Amusing grace
TALES of odd or amusing pre-prandial sayings of grace continue to eat away at readers’ memories. Iain Ross Wallace, formerly of Royal Naval Reserve Clyde Division, recalls an occasion when Admiral Sir Angus Cunninghame Graham was attending a dinner at RNR headquarters in Glasgow many years ago. “As there was no chaplain, he was asked to say grace. He was helped to his feet – being quite elderly – whereupon he paused, said ‘Thank God’, and sat down.” Well, no point in letting good food grow cold. Iain adds: “The grace at the end of the meal was ‘For good food and gravy, thank God and the Navy.’”
Precisely
READER Barrie Crawford was intrigued by a poster in Puerto Pollensa, Majorca, which offered two “happy hours”. The first? “From 12:02pm to 8:22pm.” The second? “From 8:23pm to 1:22am.” Says Barrie: “You’d have to get your timing all wrong to miss out on that offer!”
Only connect
IS there any worse advice than that from nerds? “Have you tried switching it off and on again?” has been replaced by instructions to click on a drop-down menu heading that is never, ever, ever, ever there. Or there’s their complete inability to understand a question, as exemplified in these instructions unearthed online by reader John Cochrane.
Normal person: “How do I connect my Philips Smart TV to Wi-Fi without a remote?”
Nerd: “1. Ensure that your Wi-Fi and TV are turned on.” Check. “2. Press the Home button on your Philips TV remote control.” Er …
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