All kicks off

IT is reported that former Prime Minister Tony Blair has suggested merging the English and Scottish football leagues in order to keep the Union alive. Not everyone is convinced by the idea. As James Doleman puts it: "Scotland would be independent by the end of the first season." And as another football fan put it: "Ross County versus Norwich? Have you ever thought of driving from Dingwall to Norwich? I've done it – and it's not fun."

Follow follow

NOW that was a sore one. Folk can be a bit harsh when they are on social media. Scottish Justice Minister Humza Yousaf commented the other day on Twitter: "Honoured to receive Politician of the Year at the Scottish International Business and Community Awards 2019 - especially humbled as it was a public vote which over 4,000 people took part in. Thank you." Rangers fan and retired cop James replied: "Four thousand people voting – that’s not many is it Mr Yousaf?" to which Humza simply replied after having a look at James's Twitter account: "It's 3358 more than the number of followers you have..."

Flight fright

A SECURITY scare on board an easyJet flight to Glasgow yesterday reminded us of an excitable tabloid newspaper headlining "The Ugly Truth" when model Kate Moss caused a disturbance on an easyJet flight by swigging duty-free vodka from her cabin baggage on board and having a 'sweary' altercation with a fellow passenger. A bemused reader told us: "Just sounds like your average easyJet flight out of Glasgow."

And years ago when entertainer Rory Bremner spoke at the opening of the rebranded Dunblane Hydro after a multi-million-pound refurbishment, he said he had been at a function with easyJet founder Stelios Haji-Ioannou. "Afterwards we shared a taxi," said Rory. "Stelios opened the door and said, 'After you'. He then charged me £10 for priority boarding."

Booked it

GROWING old, continued. Says David Donaldson: "A good indication that your memory is not what it used to be is when you buy a nice book in the charity shop as a surprise for your wife and she gently points out that it bears a remarkable resemblance to the one you donated a few weeks back."

Fatherly advice

FOLK are still getting used to these smart speakers that answer questions for you. Commented Abe Yospe: "Just overheard my six-year-old son ask Alexa, 'Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?'" Alas Abe didn't tell us what the reply was.

Splash

WITH spring upon us the thoughts of many couples now turn to sprucing up their homes. As one woman told us: "There's nothing like spoiling your husband's weekend by showing him the wallpaper you've brought home." And as another reader astutely tells us: "The toughest part of decorating is deciding which old T-shirt you’re going to sacrifice."

Saucy

BRINGING up teenagers, continued. A south side mother tells us: “I’m at my most optimistic when my kids leave takeaway boxes on the table and I put the unused sachets of sauce in the fridge thinking we will use them at some point. We never do.”

Roomy

TODAY’S piece of daftness comes from Gary Delaney, who says: “I was staying at a friend’s and he said ‘I’ll make up the spare room’, and he was true to his word. There was no spare room.”

Read more: 1969: Ken Dodd signs Alhambra petition as he recalls the old Empire