SOMEONE needs to have a word with Daniel Craig. He isn't half putting in a shift preparing for the new James Bond film. According to reports, the actor has been doing 12-hour workouts and hitting the gym like a heyday Rocky preparing to fight Drago.

I don't know about you but doesn't that seem, well, a teeny tiny bit excessive? I can't remember Bond creator Ian Fleming waxing lyrical about washboard abs and protein recovery drinks. In the original novels, Bond is a heavy smoker, puffing away on up to 70 cigarettes a day.

We're talking about a booze-soaked spy who can outwit and fight off baddies after chugging down countless vodka martinis, not to mention quaffing wine, champagne, cocktails, Irish coffees, cognac, whisky and brandy.

One memorable moment in Never Say Never Again saw Bond – played by Sean Connery – being chided by MI6 head M for "too much red meat and white bread, and too many dry martinis". To which Bond quipped: "Then I shall cut out the white bread, sir."

I can't imagine Craig has had so much as a sniff of white bread lately. Never mind alcohol or much red meat. How deathly dull is that?

Yet, this seems to be a benchmark among Hollywood's leading men. Last year Mark Wahlberg revealed his punishing routine in preparation for a role in the thriller Mile 22.

On a typical day, the artist formerly known as Marky Mark said he got up at 2.30am when he would pray and then eat breakfast. At 3.15am, Wahlberg began a 95-minute workout followed by another meal, shower, snack, golf and "cryo chamber recovery" – all before 10.30am.

Michael B Jordan "worked out all day, every day, for four to five months" to play a boxer in Creed, while Jake Gyllenhaal said he spent "six hours training" each day for Southpaw.

You could argue that Craig made a rod for his own back when he did that homage to Ursula Andress in Casino Royale, emerging from the sea looking ripped in his budgie smugglers.

That was 13 years ago. It seems a tad much to expect Craig to be in the same shape at 51 as he was at 38. Who cares if he's gone a little soft around the middle or has had to go up a tux size or two?

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Cast your mind back to The Best Bond Ever. For the removal of any doubt, I'm talking about Connery. I always imagined that his preparations loosely involved: 1) Get out of bed in the morning 2) Go to the studio 3) Be Bond. Anything else is merely window dressing.

Swan song

IN a scene that could have come straight from an episode of BBC comedy mockumentary Scot Squad, police officers with riot shields were called upon to help wrangle a swan in Greenock.

The errant bird, found casually wandering the streets, was coaxed back to a reservoir in the town's Murdieston Park by three officers armed with a shield, a loaf of bread and oodles of patience.

A local resident caught the comical scene on camera as the swan ambled past, following a trail of bread like a feathered Hansel or Gretel while surrounded by our brave trio in high-vis.

As someone who spent their childhood terrified that a rogue swan would snap my arm in two as soon as look at me, this all-out, no-guts-no-glory gumption is nothing short of thrilling.

Grub's up

FRESH on the back of my recent musings that the Brexit omnishambles meant BBC satirical series Spitting Image was ripe for a revival comes word that the House of Commons canteen served up Eton mess for pudding. Is there a more apt culinary offering in current times? I think not.

In other food news, a scientist claims to have nailed the perfect formula for cheese on toast. According to Dr Stuart Farrimond from Reading University, you need to use 50g (1.8oz) of cheese cooked exactly 18cm (7in) under the grill.

The bread must be white and pre-sliced to medium thickness. The golden hue of the white toast is said to carry most of its flavour, making it tastier than brown (sorry, James Bond).

Dr Farrimond, who presented his findings on BBC2's Inside The Factory, recommends using cheddar of mild or medium maturity – the older a cheese is, apparently, the tighter its proteins intertwine meaning they do not soften as quickly.

He toasts the bread on both sides, butters it right to the edges, then adds cheese before grilling it.

This certainly sounds delicious but a bit of faff when you are two sheets to the wind and in charge of kitchen implements such as sharp knives, finger-shredding graters and hot grills.

In more pressing matters, what is the correct colloquialism for cheese on toast: is it roasted cheese or toasted cheese? How you answer this will determine whether or not we can still be friends.

Elsewhere, Lidl has announced its shoppers are now able to buy five kilos of fruit and veg for only £1.50 as part of a drive to reduce food waste.

The boxes will contain food which, due to slight damage or discolouration, would usually have been thrown away despite being perfectly safe to eat.

I'm a big fan of wonky fruit and veg. Last year I grew courgettes and what a motley crew they were. One looked like Nessie and another resembled Grotbags from Rod 'n' Emu. The runt of the litter looked like a baby Shrek. But guess what? Every single one tasted delicious.

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In the same way that all cats are grey in the dark, you would struggle to pick an off-kilter carrot or mottled asparagus out of a line-up when chopped into pieces and thrown in a big soup pot.

Enough of beauty pageants for fruit and veg. Down with waste. That concludes my Sunday sermon.