YOU'LL forgive me if I come across as a little world-weary. I've been rolling my eyes so much lately that I resemble Thomas the Tank Engine getting a stern ticking off from the Fat Controller.

First on the grumble list is the #Trashtag challenge. Cripes. How can you be moaning about a global social media campaign that encourages people to pick up litter, I hear you ask? Well, it's a brilliant idea on paper, but what grates is the posturing.

We're talking virtue signalling on a teeth-gnashing scale. The Wombles didn't need a hashtag to pick up litter. They just got on with it. There was no carefully filtered, self-aggrandising before-and-after photographs on Instagram. No running commentary on Twitter. No rambling posts on Facebook.

I have a friend who, every time he walks the dog, carries a bin bag and collects discarded crisp packets and juice cans from hedgerows. He's done this for yonks. And will continue to do it long after the sheeple of the internet have moved on to their next "look at me" exercise.

Don't get me wrong, I love that people are getting out there to tackle the scourge of plastic and other rubbish that blights our oceans, rivers, beaches and countryside. But do you really need a gold star like a toddler that has successfully done a poop in a potty?

Gripe #2. Wedding lists and the current fad for what is being dubbed "social gifting". Gone are the days of 32-piece dinner sets and teasmades (or in more recent times aspiring to own Le Creuset casserole dishes, a Nespresso coffee machine and Jo Malone candles).

The registry website Prezola recently launched a new feature that, according to the blurb, "allows guests to promise to do something not just buy something". Which is where I scream so loudly that dogs start barking in alarm on the other side of the world.

There is nothing more galling than vanilla people striving to be original or quirky. Lob the word "wedding" into the mix and we have ourselves the kind of soul-sapping snafu that makes Brexit look like a mild omnishambles.

Suggestions for social gifting include offering your services as a "trusted dog-sitter" while the happy couple jet off on honeymoon or providing a "helping hand decorating the spare bedroom".

One pledge card says: "I promise to give blood". Whether this is to replenish hospital stocks or for creepy vampire purposes is unclear. Do they want a kidney too? Maybe an eye? My soul?

Gripe #3. Teeny tiny handbags are trendy. It has been decreed by the fashion gods that we must schlepp about toting something that would struggle to hold a thimble or postage stamp. I am not on board with this development. This is downsizing gone mad.

For a start, it looks utterly ridiculous. You may think that a mini/micro/nano handbag (or the icky "fingerbag" as some are dubbed) comes off as cute or dainty but I'm struggling to understand the appeal of looking like you've just mugged Thumbelina.

Bags should be functional. Can you fit pens, notebook, money, first aid kit, comb, tampons, mobile phone, power pack, spare tights, tweezers, kitchen sink, cheese sandwich and tin of mint humbugs in it? If the answer is no, then take a long hard look at your life choices.

Pick a colour

IS POUNDLAND a more reliable pollster than Ipsos MORI, Survation and YouGov? The reason I ask is that the retailer has revealed sales of Brexit-inspired blue and traditional EU burgundy passport covers are "neck-and-neck".

Burgundy is outselling blue by two to one in London, while customers in the East Midlands are plumping for the latter. Scotland is steadfastly loyal to the EU hue, with sales almost double those of the pro-Brexit shade, but in Wales blue covers are up 33 per cent on burgundy.

As an exercise in examining the current state of the nation's political psyche this is fascinating work. And almost as reliable as the octopus that predicted the football scores and the woman who claims she has the ability to foresee the future by looking at piles of asparagus.

Word mash

WHEN you are as busy and important as the President of the United States, it's vital to find new ways to convey just how busy and important you are. Not inept. Busy and important. OK?

Step forward Donald Trump who referred to Apple CEO Tim Cook as "Tim Apple" during a meeting at the White House earlier this month.

Trump initially insisted that he had said "Tim Cook Apple" but pronounced "Cook" quietly. So quietly apparently that it couldn't be heard by the human ear. Nor bats, moths, elephants, owls, cats and other aurally superior creatures – or any type of specialist sound equipment for that matter.

When this excuse was met with widespread ridicule, Trump switched tack and tweeted last week that he did say "Tim Apple" but only to "save time and words".

Seems legit. After all it wasn't Trump's first name-mashing incident. He's been honing this skill for a while now. Such as referring to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as "Justin from Canada" like JT was a contestant on a game show rather than a political peer.

Cook and Trudeau got off lightly compared to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos who Trump referred to as "Jeff Bozo" in a Twitter post earlier this year – although that was arguably more likely a Freudian slip/barbed insult than a clever dance with brevity of language.

The actor George Takei suggested we should all take a leaf from Trump's book and call the president "Donald Orange". It's good but not quite the word I'm thinking. Which rhymes with farce.