RIGHT, that’s enough Easter. Stop touring ever more distant supermarkets in the hope of snaffling the last of the discounted eggs; get that Easter bonnet off and the bobble hat back on (ne’er cast a clout and all that); and start preening, dieting, and generally hosing yourselves down for the next big event in the calendar – the wedding season.
Good guests pride themselves on not just being physically prepared for a wedding but mentally prepped, too. Take Thomas Markle. Thomas who, you say? Note the surname. Mr Markle, a resident of Rosarito, Mexico, will shortly be travelling to London, England, for the wedding of his daughter, Ms Meghan Markle, to His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales (to give ‘Arry his Sunday name) at St George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle, on May 19.
In preparation for the happy event, Meghan’s father has been photographed carrying a book, Images of Britain: A Pictorial Journey Through History. It is just what you would expect of a loving father keen to make his girl proud.
Although I have not read a word of Images of Britain, I fear that Mr Markle may need a little extra help. Guide books, as anyone who has read one about their own country will testify, can give a somewhat rose-tinted view of things.
Here, then, as Scotland’s wedding gift to Mr Markle (why should the bride and groom get all the goodies?) are some tips for his trip.
Wedding attire: The invitation advises male guests to wear “uniform, morning coat, or lounge suit”. As the descendant of men who fought on Lincoln’s side in the American Civil War do feel free to turn up in Union blues. Banish any thoughts that you are not entitled to do so. Most of those wearing uniform to the event (Prince Harry aside) have no more seen active service than they have spied a unicorn.
Accents: You may find the in-laws difficult to understand. Train for this by asking a friend to fill their mouth with marbles and bray at you for an hour a day.
The British press: Never mind trying to enlighten them about your good self because they must appear to know everything already. At this very minute some daft so-and-so from the Daily Express is standing outside your house in Mexico guessing its value.
Modern Britain: While I am sure the pictures in your book are very pretty, for a more rounded view of your daughter’s adopted country take a walk down any high street on a Saturday night, where photo opps will include ye olde pools of vomit and high-spirited wenches. Do not make eye contact with the latter.
Animals: Like your daughter, royals are animal daft. Not all animals, however. Some they like to shoot, others they elevate to near deity status. The yappy chappies swarming round your ankles, perhaps dispensing a playful nip or two, are called “Corgis” and fit into the latter category. On no account are they to be chastised. Such an incident will lead to “awkwardness”, which is one peg down the social crime scale from being American.
Wallis Simpson: You may hear your lovely daughter mentioned in the same breath as the ghastly old dear who married a past king. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
Wall-to-wall coverage: See press, above. You may be astonished at the amount of attention that will be paid to your daughter’s wedding in the newspapers and on television. It will strike you as not at all commensurate with the public interest. That will not bother the media in the slightest as they set about reporting the event 24/7. Why? It is their chance to shine and justify the big bucks they are paid. Fiona Bruce has already come to blows with Huw Edwards over the last fuschia fascinator in John Lewis. Huw won.
Russia: You might think the Russkies have naff all to do with the wedding, but due to the media’s attention being elsewhere, and most of the population being three sheets to the wind by lunchtime, President Putin will choose May 19 as the date to invade Britain.
Scotland: If the Russians do invade, why not treat yourself to a wee trip up north? We gave the Romans hell, and would do the same to Putin’s mob. Rest assured that if this doesn’t work, we know a man who might be able to cut Scotland a sweet deal on independence. No names, no pack drill, but search through the RT schedules and you might find our man.
Finally, it may seem like one big headache to come to Britain. But when back in Mexico you will know as never before the joy of home sweet home. Cherish that feeling. And remember it when you are asked to come back for the christening.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel