Dominating the news
IT’S always difficult making the Budget sound interesting, so the Plymouth Herald newspaper tried its best by interviewing a local “sex worker and dominatrix” about the increase in National Insurance contributions for the self-employed like herself, which she said could cause some distress.
An unimpressed Herald reader commented: “If you’re struggling, you of all people should be able to organise a whip-round.”
That sinking feeling
SINGER Elvis Costello published his biography, Unfaithful Music and Disappearing Ink, a couple of months back, and reader John Munro tells us: “Early on in the book he recalls the time he played at the Ayr Pavilion back in 1980. ‘Part of the audience disappeared through a hole in the floor that had collapsed under an onslaught of stomping and jumping that passed for dancing’.
“Ah, happy days.”
A bit potty
A READER on Byres Road overheard a student, now an expert on matters domestic seemingly, telling his pal: “The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Cat and mouse game
TALKING of students, we were asked the other day by one: “Where can I get a dozen spiders, mice droppings, and a pool of cat pee?” When we asked what for, she replied: “I’m moving next week and my landlord says I must leave flat in the condition in which I found it.”
Turning the tables
CONGRATULATIONS on the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland being named as the third best college of performing arts in the world. We know how arty it is by the fact it is only place we have seen a unicycle in the bike rack.
Anyway we are reminded of the student who recently borrowed a vinyl LP from the Conservatoire’s library and took it back to ask why it only contained half the music it was supposed to.
The librarian took great delight in showing the young student that you can flip an LP over and play the other side as well.
A bit of a turn on
A BISHOPBRIGGS reader passes on: “A friend was telling me that since his wife read that smart phones and TVs could be bugged by MI5 and the CIA, she now puts on her lippy, won’t wear her dressing gown, and has smartened up on her language before she turns on the telly or makes a call. ‘I’m taking no chances,’ she informed her husband.”
Slap the referee
MORTON manager Jim Duffy is now second favourite with the bookies to become the next Motherwell manager. We recall when Jim was manager at Dundee and was asked why he thought referee John Rowbotham - who is bald - had not given them a penalty. ‘’Perhaps his hair was in his eyes,’’ said Jim.
Making an ass of things
A READER points out that The Herald archive pic of “Donkey rides at Ayr Beach” actually showed three horses and only one donkey. I was able to reassure him that whenever I’m at Ayr racecourse I can easily turn horses into donkeys simply by placing a bet on them.
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