Damned by faint praise
A PARTICK reader says she spent ages in her local shop trying to decide on a wee treat for herself before plumping for a 25p fudge bar. When she went up to pay, the store owner who had been watching her said: “I wish I had 20 customers like you.”
She beamed at what she thought was an unexpected compliment until he added: “But unfortunately I have 200 customers like you.”
Getting your fax right
A GLASGOW reader buying a sandwich in a city centre coffee shop thought the reply was inspired when a woman in the queue was accused by her pal of being difficult to get hold of.
“I don’t agree with that,” she replied. “I never have my fax machine switched off.”
Slumming it
BRILLIANT football game on the telly this week as Manchester City beat Monaco 5-3. As Thistle fan Marc Wallace commented: “My favourite Monaco anecdote is still St Johnstone fans singing ‘In yer Monte Carlo slums’ when they played them in the Uefa Cup in 1999.”
Handbagged
OVERHEARD in Whitecraigs the other day when a pensioner interested in world politics told a pal he had bumped into: “There was a bloke on the television who said IS can be defeated by crippling them financially.”
“So what did he suggest?” asked his pal. “Going into Syria and opening a Mulberry handbag shop?”
Red in tooth and claw
WE hear a regular in a city centre pub moan to his pals: “The wife opened a new jar of beetroot the day without my help. I can’t help but think that my days are numbered.”
West end prices
OUTRAGED of Kelvinbridge tells us: “I was in the refurbished Kelvin Hall when I decided to get myself a pack of crisps at the cafe which, like all other cafes in Glasgow City Council property, is run by Encore. ‘That will be 80 pence’ said the young man behind the counter. ‘80 pence!’ I exclaimed. ‘Why are you charging 80 pence here when the same packet of crisps at the Gallery of Modern Art cafe in town is only 60 pence?’ ‘This is the West End’ he informed me with a straight face as if that explained the price hike.”
Inflationary pressures
MATT Vallance in Ayrshire tells us about the golden oldies at the Opportunities in Retirement class in Ayr who were given a news quiz to show they were keeping up with current events.
When asked what will cost £21.50 from next year, someone came up with the inspired answer, “A twenty pound note.”
Oh, and it’s the London daily congestion charge, in case you were wondering.
Picture this
THE news yesterday was that the BBC wants a new television channel dedicated to Scotland.
Reader John Dunlop in Glasgow wonders if the new programmes will include: lBlind Drunk Date.
lWho the **** Do You Think You Are?
lAnd for those who know the geography around Inverness – The Only Way is Essich.
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