Dear Donald,
I have a confession to make. I signed the petition calling for your invitation to come to the UK on a state visit to be rescinded.
It was a big mistake. The bigliest. On reflection, we don’t like bans. Maybe the other 1,857,847 signatories feel it was a tremendous mistake too. Such a mistake.
In fact, I speak for all of us when I say that we are looking forward to greeting you. There will be lots of greeting during your visit. The most.
It’s been reported, President Trump, that you won’t come to Scotland during your state visit. FAKE NEWS. You will come back. Maybe you will. I didn’t say definitely.
You have done so much for this country, including building Trump International Golf Links, which has received the highest accolades, and is what many believe to be one of the greatest golf courses anywhere in the world. You said this yourself, it’s a quote.
There is a great deal of Alban affection for you. Everyone says you were great last time you were in Scotland. So much better than Obama. Everyone.
Just this month, thousands of people, millions of them, came out across Scotland with special banners hailing your presidency. Around 1.5 million, the same as your inauguration. They came out in the rain. It was a hurricane.
They’ll definitely do it again. Thousands, I didn’t say millions.
You might see people carrying signs calling you a roaster. A roaster is a real compliment in Scotland. The highest compliment, actually. It means that you’re so hot you’re nuclear. And Donald, if I may, you sure are a nuclear option. You may also hear yourself called a rocket, a zoomer, a screamer, a nugget and a bam. These are all terms of respect, particularly President Bawbag. Or, for short, SCROTUS.
Scotland has a great sense of humour. The best. And we know you share it. We know you enjoyed having your hair rubbed by a balloon outside the Scottish Parliament back in 2012. How it stood on end, magnificent. Well, don’t worry. We all carry balloons in Scotland. Millions, everywhere. We’ll make your hair stand on end, just as you do ours.
Forget wind turbines. We can use the static mix of your hair and our humour to electrify the whole country. Long overdue!
Someone might sit an orange traffic cone on your head. You’ll love it. No one else will notice.
On your way north, we want you to meet Paul Nuttall, an MEP. You’ll like Mr Nuttall. He’s a big fan of alternative facts. Paul Nuttall will like you. Not too long ago, a politician caught lying about having been at an event that irreparably scarred a city would have been sacked. Sad! Now, thanks to you, anything goes.
You don’t have to worry about FAKE NEWS in Scotland. We’re already alert to it. We have a dedicated consortium of patriots who attack the media and uncover conspiracy theories. They too would like to build a wall along the country south of the border.
Please, Donald, come to Scotland. We’ll all be waiting with a Glasgow kiss.
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