A TOPER in a Glasgow pub at the weekend was getting a bad time from his pals for drinking by himself at home. He tried to defend himself with: "You say 'drinking alone'. I prefer to call it 'preparing for unexpected company'."

ADAM Powley and Robert Gillan have written the book Shankly's Village about the now disappeared Ayrshire mining village Glenbuck, which produced so many great football players. They explain that the Glenbuck players went on to help develop other clubs such as nearby Kilmarnock, and tell the tale: "Kilmarnock keeper Bob Rankin, in one game as darkness descended, hit upon the idea of moving away from his goal to stand between the post and the touchline, loudly shouting at his defenders.

"The opposition, unable to see the goal in the dark, shot in the direction Rankin's shouts were coming from, sending the ball harmlessly away from the Kilmarnock goal." Genius.

WE often contemplate the changes in our lives when we get older. As Glasgow stand-up Susan Calman put it: "Cheered and clapped when my boiler passed a safety inspection. The 16-year-old me would be astounded at what makes the 40-year-old me happy."

A GROUP of women were discussing the games they play with their children when Amy Dillon confided: "My favourite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad's side of the bed and wake him up."

BIG match in Edinburgh at the weekend where Hibs halted the winning streak of Rangers with a 2-1 win. The Rangers defence got a bit panicky at times, an Edinburgh reader tells us, and a Rangers defender battered the ball in the wrong direction and it almost floored fellow Rangers defender Danny Wilson when it hit him with a tremendous thud on the backside. The spectator next to our reader put it almost poetically when he declared as Danny hobbled away: "He's now got one testicle and two Adam's Apples."

AUDIENCE questions continued. Says Ian Lyell in Mauchline: "Having spent two hours conducting a group of Americans round Mauchline, explaining its importance in Burns’ life, and showing them the original kirk session minutes for 1786, I asked for questions. There was only one. 'Where did you get your shoes?'"

A PARTICK reader is feeling a bit down in the dumps after his family took him out to a west end restaurant to celebrate his 45th birthday. His wife sneaked a birthday cake to the staff for them to bring out after the meal and handed the waitress two candles shaped as "4" and a "5" to put on it. Our reader is crushed that the young waitress looked over at him, and then asked his wife what order the two numbers go on the cake.

A READER was on the website of National Rail Enquiries when he noticed they had added a helpful explanation of terms they used. Thus it says that "Delayed" means "This service is delayed", "Cancelled" means "This service has been cancelled" and "On time" means "This service is on time."

"Glad they cleared that up," says our reader.