SOMETHING to ponder from reader Jim White in Shawlands who tells us: "Just as those in leafy Hampshire write to The Times to announce they have spotted the first swallow of spring, my wife Lilian, walking through the Silverburn Shopping Centre, believes she spotted the first wean being threatened with Santa not coming unless it started to behave itself."

THE Met Office has announced the results of a public vote on what future big storms in Britain will be called, starting with Abigail and including Gertrude, Nigel, and Steve. Not everyone is impressed by the names. A reader phones us: "Hurricane Nigel sounds like the sort of hurricane that would blow your fence over and then apologise for doing so."

NOSTALGIA alert! We thought we had heard most of the stories about the rough treatment acts received in the infamous Glasgow Empire, but someone sends us the biography of impressionist Victor Seaforth who says that his worst night ever was at the Empire when he was supporting American rock-n-roll singer Charlie Grace. The crowd was chanting for Charlie to come on, and, writes Victor: "I had to finish on my impression of Charles Laughton as Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre Dame. There I was all twisted up going into the dialogue, and a really loud Scottish voice shouted out, 'Away hame you humpy-backed old bastard!' I worked my way up to the mike and as I looked up into the Circle I said, in my loudest voice, 'Don't you recognise your father?' and with that I got myself off. It was the longest week of my life."

MARCEL Lucont, the arrogant French bon vivant and alter ego of comedian Alexis Dubus, is appearing at Glasgow's Drygate this Friday. We remember when he appeared at the Edinburgh Fringe, came on stage at the Gilded Balloon, pointed at a woman and declared in his mock French accent: "You! Give me a type of fruit." When the startled woman stuttered: "Apple" he replied: "Not verbally! I've been in this Scottish city for three weeks and it's almost impossible to find any fruit."

A READER was on a bus in the west end when a young woman came on with her two children, sat them down, and told them: "If you behave yourselves, you can both get a rice cake."

"Wouldn't work in my day," the pensioner behind them muttered.

DAVID Kelso is perusing the sales site Gumtree and notices that someone in Ayrshire is selling a "Ronnie McIntosh" mirror. He wonders whether this is a misprint for the famous art nouveau designer or whether Ronnie is an Ayrshire rival to Charles Rennie.

SO referee Craig Joubert did in fact get it wrong when he awarded Australia that last minute penalty against Scotland in the Rugby World Cup, before running off the pitch at the final whistle. Says Derek Service: "Joubert is the first entrant for the famous New Year Sprint. The odds are great especially with the crowd behind him!"